


The Cost of Kindness

by eliatan



Series: degenerate [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Canon, Awkward Kissing, Awkward Sexual Situations, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Insomnia, Manga Spoilers, Masochism, Multi, Nightmares, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Survivor Guilt, Sweat, Truth or Dare, Underage Drinking, Unresolved Emotional Tension, titan trio
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-24
Updated: 2014-03-08
Packaged: 2018-01-05 20:36:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1098339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eliatan/pseuds/eliatan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Multi chapter story detailing the Titan Trio's time in the Trainee Corps.</p><p>-</p><p>Events fit within canon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Marcel and Berwick are the same person... just so there is no confusion there.  
> Thank you Emma for your dramatic readings/support and for being my beta.

At every clock strike  
He hears the jailer's keys  
And the doubt starts to sprout 'til he's on his knees  
And he remembers  
Like it's his mother's call  
To feel his hand find a grip at the top of the wall.

[ Escape Artist - The Zolas ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLyz5TssWHo)

**x**

There was a chill trembling up Bertholdt's arms, making his teeth click click clink. The fading sun was bringing winter fast, but Bertholdt forgot something... something important. Suddenly a boom shook the earth and Bertholdt spun, looking for the source. He saw a grove of trees, flickering with flame. He heard a roar from the trees that rattled his eardrums. Bertholdt cried out and clutched his head, falling to his knees.

What did he forget? What did he forget?

Red snow began to fall. Flake by flake the shade darkened until Bertholdt could feel the iron trickling down his throat, tasting it. Warm blood oozed through his clutched fingers. His heart pounded unevenly, to the time of footsteps. The wind began to carry screams, some he recognized.

Boots. He forgot the boots. Marcel.

Bertholdt clutched his forehead, willing himself to remember. Suddenly Bertholdt was there, crouched in the clearing, meters away from his tender memory. He saw the three children standing. Marcel was shaking. Reiner was screaming, snot and tears streaking down his cheeks. Little Bertholdt was frozen in place.

Bertholdt watched, detached, as the demonic Titan lunged forward at the three children. Claws swiped, teeth snapped. Marcel shoved young Reiner desperately, throwing him out of harm's way. The Titan's hand encircled Marcel's small chest. Bertholdt watched his younger self stand there, paralyzed until a sickening crack pierced the air.

Marcel's body stopped fighting. The Titan opened it's jaws. Little Bertholdt watched blankly, his jaw falling open. Blood splattered the ground, the Titan, Marcel's clothing. Then little Bertholdt turned from the carnage and scrambled away, tears streaking down his face, panic making him shake so hard he couldn't breathe. Young Bertholdt didn't stop. Bertholdt watched himself leave Reiner behind. Again. He always ran away, he always left Reiner behind.

He was a coward.

Reiner laid there sobbing while Marcel's head was torn off. Red was everywhere. The moment young Bertholdt passed Bertholdt, he vanished into steam. Bertholdt remained, watching Reiner whisper Marcel's name.

_Get up!_ Bertholdt thought, feeling himself panic. _Get up and run, damn it!_

Bertholdt jerked awake, panting and gasping. He sat up, eyes wide. His shirt was completely drenched in sweat and the fabric was sticking to his chest. Bertholdt clenched at the shirt like it was his last tether to reality. He glanced around the dark room, slowly recognizing his surroundings. He felt his hands trembling slightly.

_It was... just a nightmare_. Bertholdt assured himself. _We're safe now._

His breathing slowed and he shifted uncomfortably beneath his wet clothing. Bertholdt peeled the soaked shirt over his head and tossed it towards the end of the bunk. He slowly laid back down, feeling the sheets stick to his skin. Bertholdt stared up, although he saw nothing through the darkness.

There was no moon that night, just like that night years ago.

**x**

"Wake up Butthole!" There was a rough shove to Bertholdt's shoulder. Bert grimaced, opening his eyes and catching the sight of a disheveled Reiner. The blonde's hair needed desperate attention.

Bertholdt hauled himself up, rubbing at his tired eyes. Some of the lamps in the room were on now, and the majority of trainees had already dressed and left the barracks. The remaining were suiting up in their uniforms or being rudely awakened by others.

"Don't call me that." Bertholdt grumbled, running a hand through his hair and feeling his eyeballs ache from sleep deprivation.

"What'd you say Butthole?" Reiner teased, grinning. He slid his arms through his trainee corps jacket sleeves and rolled his shoulders. All of their clothing was secondhand and a little awkward.

Bertholdt blearily realized what Reiner was wearing beneath his dark tan jacket.

"You're going to stretch out my shirt!" Bertholdt complained as he swung his legs over the side of the bunk and hopped down. Reiner stepped back to make space for Bertholdt, crossing his arms and smiling.

"Your shirts define my muscles." Reiner continued to smirk. Bertholdt huffed as Reiner posed and flexed a little.

Without warning, Reiner closed the distance between them and reached up to smooth Bertholdt's hair down, although Reiner was the one who really needed it. Bertholdt quickly realized his shirt was still off and he felt his cheeks heat. He crossed his arms and unconsciously hunched his shoulders. Bertholdt smacked Reiner's hand away and gave the other a resentful look in a weak attempt to cover up his embarrassment.

Reiner quickly gave up on Bertholdt's mop head, throwing his hands up slightly. He took a step back and quirked an eyebrow when he caught Bertholdt's eyes following his chest.

"Hurry up or we'll miss breakfast." Reiner smirked wider and Bert felt his cheeks heat.

Bertholdt swiftly hobbled out of his remaining pajamas and picked up his neatly folded uniform. Reiner leaned back against the opposite bunk and watched the window, giving Bertholdt some privacy. Reiners smile faded as he got caught in his own thoughts.

Bertholdt slipped his final boot on and stood. "Okay, done."

Reiner glanced over and straightened. "Alright, let's go." He wrapped an arm around Bertholdt's shoulder and leaned against the taller boy playfully, but Reiner's smile did not return.

**x**

Sweat beaded on Bertholdt's temple and dripped down, soaking into his eyebrows. Bertholdt wiped his face on the inside of his sleeve, gasping slightly from the sting in his eyes. He blinked rapidly until the pain faded and checked behind him. The other trainees were beginning to lag behind the group. Even Bertholdt, who thought himself pretty good at long distance running, was starting to fade.

Up ahead, both Reiner and Mikasa were matched toe to toe. _Where does Mikasa get her drive?_ Bertholdt wondered momentarily, watching as the girl gave Reiner a blank glance. Reiner was being particularly competitive that day, which only made Mikasa push harder as well.

Bertholdt looked for Annie to assure himself she was still among the first ten. She was behind Bertholdt, only keeping pace to stay ahead of the crowd. Eren Yeager was starting to lag at Bert's left. Every time Bertholdt saw that boy something dark trembled in his chest. The intensity Eren had when he swore to destroy the Colossal Titan made Bertholdt feel skittish.

Eren sensed Bertholdt's eyes on him and looked over. Bertholdt quickly fixed his eyes straight ahead again. He immediately noticed a blue flag, marking a resting point ahead. That meant a ten minute rest and fifteen canteens filled and ready for the first trainees who arrived. Bertholdt picked up his pace for the last few meters. Reiner was waiting for him, holding up three canteens by the straps and grinning.

Bertholdt crouched, catching his breath. He felt perspiration covering his body in a thin sheet. Reiner plopped down in sparse grass beside Bertholdt and tilted a canteen his direction. Bert clutched it thankfully and guzzled, feeling the icy water dribble down his chin and neck. He wiped his mouth and looked over at Reiner, who's eyes had been fixed on Bert's throat while he'd been drinking. Bertholdt felt his cheeks redden, betraying him again.

"More?" Reiner questioned, holding the second towards Bertholdt.

"No, it's yours." Bert insisted, panting a little. Reiner shrugged and downed the contents of his canteen.

"The last one is for Annie." Reiner added, wiping his mouth.

Bertholdt found himself searching for Annie once again. She was across the clearing, standing by herself and sipping from a canteen.

"She already has one." Bertholdt murmured, his eyes lingering on Annie.

"Hey," Reiner's voice was firm, startling Bertholdt. "You stare too much."

Bertholdt nodded, looking downward and clasping his hands. "Sorry."

Reiner was distracted by a wheezing Armin, who stumbled up the path just as one of the instructors blew his whistle. The trainees muttered and stood, beginning to stretch and run. Armin gasped in desperation as his heel caught on a groove and turned inwards. The small blonde caught himself with his trembling hands, wincing and attempting to haul himself back up. Angry tears were budding in Armin's eyes.

Reiner was up in a moment, hauling Armin upright by the fabric of his shirt. Armin winced and hobbled on his ankle, attempting to contain a whimper of pain. "Thanks, Reiner." Armin mumbled, gritting his teeth.

Reiner's expression turned hard.

"Take your boot off." Reiner commanded, his hands resting on his hips. Bertholdt glanced worriedly up the trail, noting that the others had already started jogging.

Reiner was wasting both time and points, and what for?

"I'm fine. Don't worry about it." Armin insisted, shaking his head and making his sweaty hair falli wildly in front of his face. Armin yanked himself from Reiner's grip and stubbornly limped forward. Armin's ankle gave out and Reiner caught the boy before he tumbled again. Reiner hefted Armin up, bridal style. Armin's cheeks flushed in shame and he quickly looked towards the treeline.

Bertholdt stood as well, feeling the tension build between the blondes.

"It's against the rules to assist a fellow trainee." Armin hardly sounded self-righteous. His unreasonable resistance came from something other than ego.

Reiner shrugged. "You're injured. I don't care what Shadis or the other instructors say."

Bertholdt frowned at Reiner's blunt words. _We still need to make top ten._ Bertholdt thought anxiously. _Why would he jeopardize points for a trainee who was too weak to make a decent ally during training?_

Finally, Armin gave in, ceasing the argument. Reiner smirked triumphantly, adjusting Armin slightly. Armin must have been in a lot of pain to accept assistance from Reiner.

"Let's go..." Bertholdt muttered to Reiner, who nodded.

Reiner held Armin in one arm for a moment as he stooped to grab the final canteen. He passed it to Armin, who drank thankfully, gasping between sips. Bertholdt shook his head at the sight.

The two immediately began jogging again, easily falling into the rhythm of the movement. They caught up to the laggers quickly and passed them before the two miles were up. Reiner got a few strange looks from instructors and trainees, but Armin's swollen purple ankle was noticeable enough that nothing was said.

Connie eagerly asked Bertholdt if he could catch a ride too, but he received a smack on the head from Ymir before Bertholdt could reply.

**x**

The mess hall was a hum of low voices colliding with the occasional scrape of a stool and clank of silverware. Bertholdt found himself holding his chin in the palms of his hands and beginning to doze off. The white noise created by the ruckus seemed comforting and safe. _There will be no nightmares waiting for me on the other side._ Bertholdt's mind wandered as he started to drift. _No... definitely... not..._

A tray slammed against the table, waking Bertholdt harshly. He scowled at Reiner as the blonde pulled the opposite bench back and sat. Bertholdt watched as Reiner began shoveling food into his mouth, punctuating each bite with a small sip of cider. Bertholdt settled back into his hands and absently watched Reiner feast.

"Are you gonna eat?" Reiner asked, pausing to breathe.

"I had some bread."

"No porridge?"

"No."

The two usually sat at the table furthest from the doors because they were, most of the time, empty. Reiner insisted that they socialize occasionally to avoid suspicion. Bertholdt was still too nervous to do so on his own and usually tagged along with him, practically holding on to the hem of the Reiner's shirt.

When they had first arrived, Reiner had been the cautionary one. The two quickly changed roles. Bertholdt could hardly sit next to a huddle of people while they laughed and talked about slaying the Colossal Titan. He would freeze up and get quiet. If the topic came up, and Reiner was around, the blonde would seamlessly change the subject, charismatic as ever.

Sometimes Bert just wanted to eat alone on his bunk and avoid the other trainees all together.

In his peripheral vision, Bert noticed a short blonde head moving in their direction. It was Annie. Reiner continued chewing, absently staring past Bert's head. Bertholdt mused at the table, purposely keeping his eyes off of her. Annie sat on the far end of Bert's bench. She routinely set out her silverware and took a controlled bite of her improvised sandwich.

She sent a quick glare to Reiner, who was watching her with a light, amused expression. Bertholdt just looked between them both. Reiner suddenly sighed, shoving his plate forward, startling Bertholdt. Reiner was unconsciously mirroring Bertholdt's resting position.

Reiner seemed to be watching something behind Bertholdt. After a few seconds Bert asked, "What is it?"

Reiner smirked and spoke loud enough for Annie to hear. "Christa is so damn cute. We'd make beautiful children."

Bertholdt just gave Reiner a blank look. _Where was this coming from?_

"Yeah, except you're gay." Annie took another bite of her sandwich, still perfectly indifferent. Bertholdt felt his cheeks flush from Annie's bluntness, immediately feeling childish.

Reiner shot her a mocking frown. "Very... funny." Something about his tone threw Bertholdt. Was he actually offended by his own sexuality?

Reiner stood, picking up his empty plate and mug. "I'm gonna ask around for food." Without waiting for a reply, he stalked off towards Mina and Thomas' table.

Bertholdt looked to see Annie's reaction. Their frowns matched. The whole interaction had Bertholdt on edge. Annie quickly finished her food and carried her plate to be washed, catching Bertholdt's eyes once again and giving him a nod. Bert felt reassured by her gesture and after a while, he glanced back to find Reiner.

He was across the dining hall, standing beside Eren, Mikasa and Armin's table. Eren thanked Reiner for helping Armin earlier and offered him the rest of his bread. Bertholdt watched Reiner take the bread and do that righteous nod that everyone seemed to love.

_Is that why Reiner helped Armin?_ Bertholdt wondered. _So he could gain favor with their trio?_

**x**

"He's been acting weird. Do you really think he just decided not to show up?" Annie muttered, leaning back against one of the trees. She had one arm clasping the other, which hung at her side.

"He probably couldn't get away." Bertholdt mused aloud, twining his fingers together and looking towards the faintly visible lights in the barracks. It was dusk out and they were in the woods, just a few meters off the path. The dying light seemed to cast Annie's blonde hair into a whole spectrum of golden hues. The tree's shadows slowly crawled across the Earth, reaching towards Bertholdt's legs. Cicadas were buzzing a low, wavering melody.

"Whatever, just fill him in later. There's two weeks left until the first rankings are posted. I expect to see both your names on there." Her words were commanding, but her tone was flat as usual.

"You will." Bertholdt assured her.

Annie was silent as her eyes flirted over the treetops. Finally, she sighed and took a few steps closer, pausing beside Bertholdt's shoulder.

"How're you holding up?" Annie's voice was quiet.

Bertholdt blinked, unsure of how to reply. He twisted his fingers. "I haven't had a good nights sleep since... since I got here."

The corner of Annie's mouth tipped up and she met his eyes. "I can't sleep either."

Bertholdt didn't know why that seemed to amuse her, but it was nice seeing Annie smile.

"Let's head back?"

"Yeah."

The two walked with enough distance between them to seem impartial, although nobody was outside. Back to the path, across the training grounds, past the dining hall. They stopped at the boy's barracks to see if Reiner was inside. Annie stood by the doorway since the girls weren't allowed in the boy's barracks past evening meal.

Bertholdt immediately spotted Reiner sitting in the middle of the floor with Eren, Jean, Marco and Armin. The five were playing an overly competitive game of cards. Reiner dealt the cards while Eren and Jean bickered. Armin and Marco just laughed nervously. They gave up on winning ages ago.

_Reiner didn't show... because he was playing cards?_ Bertholdt didn't know what to say. He stood in the doorway for a moment and then stepped forward.

Reiner spotted Bertholdt and smiled softly. "Hey Bert! Wanna join?"

Bertholdt shook his head and snatched his coat off his bed. Reiner was swiftly distracted from his disappointment as Eren and Jean stood and nearly broke out into a fist fight. Marco grabbed Jean by the shoulders as Armin jumped in front of Eren, trying not to be pummeled. Bertholdt walked right back outside, without looking back. Annie followed him off the porch.

"What an idiot," She muttered, shoving her hands into her jacket pocket. "He's acting like one of them."

Bertholdt gazed up at the purple and pink clouds, shuffling his feet slightly. "Yeah, you're right." The words were heavy in Bertholdt's chest. A numbing sadness seemed to follow. Maybe Reiner found it easier to forget his guilt when he made the trainees smile. Maybe Reiner could feel a little less lonely with them.

_Was that really so bad?_

Bertholdt quickly shook himself, trying to clear his thoughts.

_They're still the enemy. They're still_ _the enemy..._


	2. Chapter 2

We were at war  
With walls and mazes  
Torn up and tearing inside

You wooed us out  
To open places  
Trading our death for your life

[ War - Son Lux ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yapMvWKJ0jM)

**x**

"Alright, squad five, move out!" Shadis roared over the high wind, directing a hand towards one of the maneuver gear cliffs in the distance.

Bertholdt swallowed and wiped some sweat from his chin. His throat was dry and his muscles ached. He stepped up to the edge and gauged his surroundings before jumping from the cliff's ledge. Bert shifted his weight, going against the strong wind. He felt his muscles strain and the straps shift to suspend his weight. Bertholdt glanced below for a moment, peering at the chasm below him. There were multiple sharp turns and dips to avoid in order to make it to the destination alive.

 _I need perfect precision._ Bertholdt thought as he grappled to the opposite side of the bottomed-out chasm. _If I mess this up I won't be able to shift to save myself... No, that would give Reiner and Annie away. If I mess this up I die._

Bertholdt relocated his weight to his right leg and coasted past a sharp rock on the face of the opposite cliff. His cloak billowed wildly as he propelled himself over a slight plateau, barely managing to hook back onto the cliff face on the other side. Risky, but that move could earn him major points. With a final adjustment to his trajectory, Bertholdt swung around the final curve and bent his knees to soften his impact with the cliff side.

A trickle of cool sweat slid between Bert's shoulder blades. He shivered and wiped at it, letting himself dangle, waiting for his other squad members. Carlo was only few meters away, coming in fast and Jared was much further back, having trouble maneuvering the tight turns.

Carlo's grapple impaled itself near Bertholdt's and Bert swung himself over slightly to make room. Carlo caught himself on the side of the cliff, but with much stiffer legs. He winced and rubbed at his knees. Carlo grinned triumphantly at Bertholdt.

"We did it!" He whooped, punching at Bertholdt's shoulder. Bert startled and attempted to smile warmly at Carlo, but it felt awkward, like his face muscles wouldn't work right. The younger trainee was still shaky with his maneuver gear, but he had improved greatly since the first day of training.

Suddenly one of the instructors repelled over the edge of the cliff, purposely cutting Bertholdt and Carlo's wires on his way down.

Bertholdt barely registered Carlo's surprised expression before the world became a blur. Bertholdt's hand jerked instinctively, launching his other grapple into the cliff side. His shoulder banged painfully against the rock and he swung in place for a second. As Bert settled he searched for Carlo... who was still free falling.

"Carlo!" Bertholdt screamed over the high wind, seconds before Carlo's body smashed into the rocks below.

Bertholdt's eyes widened as he took in his comrade's limp body. Limbs twisted awkwardly, mouth trickling blood, eyes open.

The instructor retracted his grapple and hopped to the bottom of the chasm, calmly walking to the body. The older man crouched to check for a pulse. Bertholdt turned away from the gruesome scene and clenched his teeth. He grappled up to the top of the cliff and hauled himself over the edge, trembling.

Bertholdt wrapped his arms around himself as he looked through the groups of soldiers who'd already completed the exercise. He was searching for a familiar face. He recognized Eren, Jean, and Ymir scattered, but he couldn't talk to them. They wouldn't understand. Bertholdt ducked his head and shouldered past the crowd gathering near the ledge.

Bert crouched on the outskirts of the cleared area and hid beneath his cloak, wrapping his long arms around his legs. The final look of panic and realization on Carlo's face kept flashing before Bertholdt's eyes. Bertholdt had seen that same panic before.

It was the same look in a cornered animal'a eyes when it realized it was going to die. Bertholdt had seen plenty of livestock slaughtered back in his village. He was always left feeling unsettled and cold. Bertholdt had seen the same look on Marcel's face, right before he was ripped apart.

Carlo was just one human. He was nobody. He was expendable... Livestock to his own people.

**x**

Reiner gasped as he slammed open the door to the boy's barracks. He immediately peeled his shirt from his torso and tossed it to the ground.

"It's so damn hot out there!" He complained, closing the door behind Bertholdt. They were both drenched in sweat and most likely dehydrated. "What are those instructors thinking? Damn it."

"I don't know." Bert mumbled, not nearly as upset as Reiner. Bertholdt hopped to his bunk for a dry change of clothes and began undressing as well. He'd barely managed to slip his pants on when he felt Reiner grab him by the shoulders and spin him.

"Damn it." Reiner managed to slip out breathlessly before he pulled Bertholdt down by his hair. The blonde frantically crashed their lips together, teeth and lips mashing painfully.

Bert's eyes widened in surprise and he quickly pushed the blonde away. "I'm all sweaty...!" Bert attempted to protest. His chapped bottom lip was bleeding slightly.

"I like you sweaty." Reiner nearly growled. Bertholdt blushed furiously and looked away. Reiner grinned and snaked his arms around Bertholdt's body again, pushing him against the bunk post. They kissed slower this time, savoring it. Bertholdt gripped at Reiner's hair and yanked. Just like that, the oxygen in the room was gone and they were kissing brusquely again.

Bertholdt was lightheaded when they broke apart, breathing raggedly. "Shit." Bertholdt panted, wiping the saliva from his lip. Reiner just nodded eagerly and pressed his face to Bertholdt's neck. He ran his fingertips down Bertholdt's spine, making Bert shiver.

The barracks door suddenly creaked open and Reiner scrambled back. Bertholdt startled, his heart hammering in his chest. Reiner blushed and wiped his face, as if that would hide his swollen lips and flushed skin. Thomas and Franz entered the room, chatting idly and waving at Bertholdt and Reiner. Bertholdt stared at the floor while Reiner attempted to play it cool.

"Hey Reiner, you did great in the training segment earlier." Thomas smiled and nodded warmly towards Bert.

"Thanks man." Reiner was trying to keep a frown off of his face, but his tight jaw gave away his irritation. As soon as Thomas and Franz were back in the showers Reiner let his bad mood show. He crossed his arms and scowled.

"What did you expect? You shouldn't have jumped me in the barracks." Bertholdt smiled softly and affectionately nudged Reiner's shoulder. Reiner didn't return the gesture and Bertholdt realized the blonde was _actually_ pissed.

"It's not that." Reiner insisted, waving his hand in Bertholdt's direction. "Ackerman scored more than I did. At this rate she'll knock me out of first." He was tight lipped.

"It doesn't matter as long as were in the top ten." Bertholdt reassured Reiner, his face falling.

Reiner pressed his palm to his forehead. "One day we may have to fight her. That's what has me worried."

 _His happiness was so short lived._ Bertholdt sighed and reluctantly finished dressing while Reiner leaned against his bunk and waited. 

First out of the showers was Franz, who immediately went to his bunk and started folding his clothing. Bert thought the trainee seemed rushed.

Franz glanced over at Reiner and his eyebrows rose. "You're still here? Don't you have cooking duty Reiner?"

The trainee's words took a few moments to register, then Reiner was jumping up and pulling on a new shirt. "Fuck! Shadis is going to make me run."

Reiner gave Bertholdt an apologetic look before sprinting out the door. Franz chucked a little before turning to Bertholdt. "Hey Bertl, some of us are gunna hang out by the lake tonight. Would you like to come?"

Bert blinked at Franz, stunned by his invitation. Bertholdt twisted his hands nervously, unsure of how he should reply. Reiner's words came rushing back.

_One day we may have to fight her._

"No. S-sorry. I'm exhausted." Bert insisted as gently as possible. Franz just smiled and nodded, understanding seamlessly.

Bertholdt turned back to his bunk and swallowed dryly. He delicately pressed a finger to his tender bottom lip, assessing the damage. He couldn't heal it now that Thomas and Franz had seen it.

**x**

"Are we allowed to be awake after hours?" Bert asked Marco quietly.

"Probably not," Marco grinned sheepishly. "Then again, I don't think we're allowed to drink either."

Bertholdt smiled nervously and took another sip of his beer. He could practically see Shadis breaking through the locked door, brandishing maneuver gear blades and threatening to make everyone run until they dropped.

Not to mention, there were also girls in the boy's barracks. _Girls!_

All of the broken rules had Bertholdt on edge. Every creak of the floorboards had Bertholdt cringing and jumping. He was slightly reassured by Annie's presence only an arms length away. She looked particularly unamused by tonight's shenanigans, but Bertholdt was glad he didn't need an excuse to be around her.

Reiner, Eren, and Jean had managed to drag enough people into starting a game of DareDeck. The more alcohol consumed, the more ridiculous the dares became. Some of the trainees had already opted out and went to bed.

"Who's turn is it?" Sasha asked loudly, earning a slight elbow from Connie. Ymir and Sasha had been the ones who snagged the beer and rum. They were also the two who'd had the most.

"Reiner's." Armin informed her.

Armin had a pillow clenched between his arms and each time new cards were picked his eyes bulged. Bertholdt was glad someone else looked nearly as anxious as he felt.

Sasha passed the card pile to Reiner, who grinned devilishly. Reiner cleared his throat. "Okay, the dare is to drink a whole pitcher of beer."

Armin visibly paled at Reiner's words, which just made Reiner grin more. He shuffled the deck and drew a card.

"Three of clubs," He announced, "Shit, that's me." Reiner laughed loudly and stood to nab a pitcher. A few others sniggered as well, but Ymir was the loudest.

Christa didn't wait for Reiner to finish. She took the pile and shuffled it carefully. "My dare is card one has to switch shirts with card two for three turns."

Everyone's eyes widened at her scandalous dare. "What?" She asked, confused by all the eyes. Ymir just leaned against the smaller trainee, obviously enjoying herself.

Christa drew two cards from the pile just as Reiner plopped back down beside Eren. He'd actually chugged an entire pitcher without stopping or spilling too much of it. Bertholdt trembled in embarrassment, remembering the last time Reiner had drunk that much.

"Uhm, king of hearts and ten of diamonds." Christa looked up eagerly.

Armin's face suddenly burned bright, bright red and Marco laughed nervously beside Bertholdt. The two boys exchanged tense glances and then stood.

"Uhm, I don't think I'll fit in your shirt Armin." Marco began apologetically, "I might rip it."

"It's okay Marco, don't worry about it."

"I can give you one of mine if it's ruined."

"No I can't take your shirt."

"But Armin-"

"Just take your freaking shirts off for fucks sake!" Jean interrupted loudly, looking both heated and embarrassed.

Marco and Armin gave him a odd look, before turning back to each other. The two boys flushed as they peeled their shirts off and handed them to each other. Jean, Reiner and Sasha watched with particularly wide eyes. Armin twisted away self-consciously while he yanked on Marco's baggy shirt, which fell to the lower part of his thighs. Armin was tiny, like a child.

Marco managed to fit his arms and shoulders into Armin's, but only because the shirt buttoned up the middle. Marco settled on letting the shirt hang open and the two boys sat again. Marco shyly brought his knees up to his chest when he caught Jean staring and poked his tongue out.

"Jean." Ymir drawled, sliding the stack of cards to the mildly distracted boy.

"Yeah, uh," Jean swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing in his tense throat. "Card one has to kiss card two... on the lips."

Sasha and Connie exchanged sly looks between Jean and Marco's flushed faces. Even Mikasa looked a little eager about that particular dare. Mikasa and eager were words not often used together.

Jean spread the cards out on the floor and ran his hand through, flipping up the last two cards. "Ace of spades has to kiss the queen of diamonds." He announced, holding them up and looking a little disappointed.

"Fuck no. I don't want to catch bald." Ymir took a sip of beer, her eyes blazing. "Just try and make me."

Connie's eyebrows drooped. "Wow Ymir. I'm not bald! I shave my head! It's not like anybody wanted to kiss you anyway..." He crossed his arms and hunched his shoulders slightly.

Reiner hiccuped loudly, interrupting the moment. The large blonde suddenly leaned forward and gripped Connie's face in his hands.

"I'll... do it then." Reiner grunted, leaning his lips towards Connie's. Bertholdt quickly looked down, his heart fluttering madly in his chest.

"Reiner. What the fuck?" A cold voice suddenly piped up. The chatter abrubtly died and everyone turned to Annie. The attention only seemed to make her angrier.

Bertholdt looked up quickly, alarmed. Annie was livid. _Why is she making a scene? This is bad..._ Bertholdt thought.

Reiner just chuckled, _the idiot_. "Problem Annie? Or do you want a kiss too?"

Jean burst out laughing. He was the only one. Everyone else was silent and wary.

Reiner still had Connie's cheeks smashed between his hands. His mouth was barely an inch away. Connie looked like he was about to faint, or be destroyed by the power struggle between Annie and Reiner.

Without warning, Reiner mashed his lips against Connie's, trying to slide his tongue in and everything. Connie's eyes widened dramatically. Everyone attempted to keep their laughter stifled, which only caused snorting and gasping.

"Ahhhhh!" Sasha screamed, her face looking both horrified and intrigued. Mikasa quickly slammed a hand over Sasha's mouth to subdue the girl.

Reiner let go of Connie and licked his lips. The latter gripped his forehead, lightheaded.

"Oh, _shit_. That was my first kiss! Damn it, _Reiner_! I could have kissed a beautiful woman! Noooo _arghhh_!" Connie fell over backwards in defeat.

The others couldn't contain it anymore. They burst out laughing, roaring and clutching their sides.

Annie was forgotten. There were light footsteps and the barrack's door opened and closed. Bert watched her go.

"What was with her?" Bertholdt heard Eren murmur to Mikasa, after the laughter has calmed down a little.

Bertholdt felt himself start to sweat. Annie's behavior was definitely inconsistent. Normally, Reiner would be the one scolding them, telling them to maintain image.

 _What is wrong with him?_   Bertholdt thought, wringing his hands. _He's been all over the place recently, almost like he has no regard for the mission_.

Bertholdt turned away from the circle of people, unable to look at Reiner. He could feel an uncomfortable, itchy heat beneath his two sweaters and the four glasses of beer he'd had.

"I'm going on a walk." Bertholdt mumbled to Marco. Marco nodded helplessly between his high-pitched giggles.

Bertholdt shut the barracks door behind him and immediately felt the chilly breeze cool him down. He leaned against the side of the building, sliding to the ground with his hands over his eyes.

He could feel his heavy eyelids sliding shut and his breath evening out. He was beyond tired... He was worn out all the way to his bones.

**x**

Rain was falling so thinly that it was barely a mist. The dimming sunlight illuminated the gossamer water in the air. It was beautiful, but Annie kept her eyes plastered on Reiner as they gathered firewood. Both blondes were still fully geared. It was required during most of the overnight training segments. The two had been assigned to collect firewood while the others set up camp.

"What is it?" Reiner asked finally, huffing and setting his stack of wood down. "You've been glaring at me this entire time."

Annie remained quiet, just watching him.

"Is this about the other night?" Reiner was getting exasperated, but he wasn't intimidated by her.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" Annie finally snapped, getting closer to Reiner and jabbing a finger at him. "Did you not see the look on Bertholdt's face?!"

"What _are_ you talking about?" Reiner gave Annie another odd look.

"You kissed that bald kid right in _front_ of him." Annie's voice dropped, deadly.

Reiner's eyebrows suddenly arched and a small smile tugged on his lips. "Wait... Bert likes _me_?" 

Annie stared dumbly at Reiner for a moment. Her eyes widened as she realized he was completely serious. She took a step back and felt her head shake. Reiner gave her another strange look. Annie turned and scooped up her wood. Then she was walking quickly, not in any real direction, just trying to clear her head. Reiner called after her, but didn't follow.

 _Something is wrong._ She thought as her throat closed up.

Annie hastily checked her surroundings. She was alone. She crumpled to her hands and knees and sat there, looking down at the scattered wood she'd collected and the pale dead leaves covering the earth. The rain got heavier and Annie turned her face up to the sky. Her fingers gripped the cold, wet soil as the chilly breeze picked up. Eventually, the cold brought a numbness that cleared her head and her heart.

But she still didn't feel right.

Her father always told her to treat the world as her enemy.

Bertholdt and Reiner weren't her world. They were her arms and legs... her arteries and organs.

Could she no longer trust _herself_?


	3. Chapter 3

You know what I am  
So you know how I live  
Try to look proud  
But you're not in the slightest  
Its happening now  
And it's always been like this

[Always Like This - Bombay Bicycle Club](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QKj62RKBrM)

**x**

"Bertholdt, wait." Reiner laid a hand on the taller boy's shoulder, stopping him mid-stride. Reiner waited for the last few trainees to leave the barracks before he released Bertholdt. Then the two stood in tense silence.

Bertholdt tried to calm his uneasiness with a few deep breaths, but that didn't help much. The room was uncomfortably hot and he was starting to drip sweat.

This was the first time Reiner and Bertholdt had been alone together since the night Reiner kissed Connie. All Bertholdt wanted was to avoid confrontation, but Reiner seemed insistent on discussing... something. Bertholdt had managed to stay busy and out of Reiner's way before today. He preferred the guilt of avoiding his bestfriend to possibility of something worse.

"W-we'll be late for the midday meal." Bertholdt stammered in one final attempt to avoid the confrontation.

Reiner pointedly ignored Bertholdt's excuse and cleared his throat. Bertholdt felt himself shrink. 

"How do you feel about me?" Reiner asked, his voice gentler than normal.

Bertholdt hadn't been expecting such a simple question.

"I care about you, a lot. You know that." Bertholdt mumbled quietly, looking down at his clasped hands.

Reiner was silent. His eyes were on Bertholdt. His face twisted into a frown. "Jeez, well, what's wrong? Are you afraid of me? Why do you... do that?" He asked, referring to Bertholdt's skiddishness.

Bertholdt just tensed up even more at the question. Reiner sighed, his jaw tensing up. Finally, he relaxed a little and stood up a little straighter.

"Look, I'm sorry I kissed Connie right in front of you. Although, it's not really that big of a deal right? Just... Tell me if you're mad. I can't stand it when you're like this." Reiner's eyes scanned Bertholdt's face, searching for any sign of forgiveness.

"I'm- I'm not mad..." Bertholdt insisted quietly, "I'm just... Why are you asking me this stuff? It's like you're interrogating me."

Reiner swallowed and dropped his eyes. "No it's just I'm, uh, thick-headed when it comes to these things. I've never- Not that many people... I mean..." Reiner tried to explain, uncharacteristically ruffled. "Annie told me you had feelings for me and I just wanted to know for sure."

Bertholdt gave Reiner a blank look, which made Reiner frown.

"You always," Bertholdt paused, digging his nails into his palm. He wouldn't cry. "You love hearing me tell you how I feel... When we're sleeping together or... cuddling..."

Bertholdt watched Reiner's eyes skim back and forth, like he was reviewing memories. Reiner's frown only deepened more. Bertholdt had no idea why he was humoring Reiner. This was obviously a cruel joke.

"I don't... I can't possibly be with you. I'm not even sure I like guys, okay?!" Reiner's voice rose, almost sounding angry.

Bertholdt felt his chest constrict at those words. This was worse than any of the scenarios that had played through his head. Bertholdt just wanted to duck and run out the door. He took a quick breath and met Reiner's golden eyes. The easiest way to get out of this would be to face it head on.

"Look, it doesn't matter. Just remember what we're here to do. We're warriors and the mission takes priority." Bertholdt kept his voice low as he tried to maintain some dignity. The shame inside him was clawing at his chest.

Reiner's eyes widened at his words and Bertholdt warily watched as Reiner's lips moved, but no sound escaped. The blonde seemed to shake himself.

"Bert, I- There's something wrong with me." He apologized. His tone of voice was completely different. He sounded confused and young.

Bertholdt didn't move.

"I need to... I need to think. Can the three of us talk later? During laundry duty?" Reiner asked tensely. He was nearly begging Bertholdt to agree.

Bertholdt quickly mumbled a yes and turned away slightly, hoping Reiner would get the hint.

Reiner nodded and exhaled, running his hands through his hair. "Okay. Okay, yeah..." He hesitated, then smiled sadly in Bertholdt's direction.

The next thing Bert heard was the barrack's doors opening and closing, followed by silence. He stood motionlessly for a moment before stumbling forward and climbing into his bunk. Bertholdt lifted his too-short blanket and curled up beneath it, inking out the world with the coarse fabric. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe calmly, but his chest ached badly. He didn't know what to think.

Bertholdt curled his toes and clenched at his blanket, shifting uncomfortably. Eventually, the small space and the faded light began to sooth him. Bertholdt closed his eyes and his breathing slowly evened and shallowed. His tense shoulders relaxed.

Clear water rushed past Bertholdt's knees, but he remained steady. Bert watched the rapid, ice-cold current split around him and merge again on the other side. He was like a stone, a tree. He could stand here forever and the water would never acknowledge him. He was invisible to the world. Bertholdt's pant-legs were heavy with the freezing water. The sun was burning the skin on the back of his neck.

"You should do it." A voice from behind him.

Bertholdt tilted his head, watching the crystal clear water manipulate the image of his booted feet. How long had he been standing in the middle of this creek? The cold of the water seemed to finally reach him and Bertholdt's teeth began to chatter. Click click clink.

"I can't swim." A different, smaller voice.

Bertholdt turned his head, searching for the source. The freshest grass and summer flowers crowded the sides of the creek, aching for a drink. They were incredibly bright. Quickly forgetting his objective, Bertholdt reached forward to pick a blue one. _This would look beautiful in Annie's hair._ Bertholdt thought, smiling to himself.

The moment his slender fingers touched the flower, everything was suddenly upside down. His hand was breaking the surface of the water and Bertholdt was beneath it, watching the sky shatter and come back together. The freezing water embraced his entire body. Bertholdt felt a strange calm. He didn't fight.

"I can't swim!" The smaller voice screamed in panic, still perfectly clear beneath the tumbling current.

The crystal water became heavier and darker, closing in around Bertholdt. He didn't fight as the icy liquid rushed down his throat, his ears, his nose. The intense cold burned his flesh and then it was no longer water, but fire flickering at his skin from the inside out.

Bertholdt couldn't breathe.

"Shut up," The first voice snapped. "Shut up!"

He was going to die.

"I'm scared." The smaller voice echoed, like a weak thought inside Bertholdt's head.

He was going to die.

Bertholdt jerked awake, knocking his blanket from his body. He couldn't breathe for a terrifying moment and then the worlds separated. Bertholdt was shaking so hard. He wrapped his arms around himself and brought his knees to his chest, pressing his face against them.

Bertholdt felt warm tears spill from his aching eyes. He'd felt so helpless... so weak. That was starting to be all all he felt recently.

He bit his lip so no sound would escape. Pain spiked through his bottom lip and Bertholdt brought a hand to it, feeling a small split. He'd reopened an old wound. Bertholdt only felt like crying even harder.

_Reiner._

Bertholdt took deep breaths until he began to feel steady again. He was getting used to the shorter nightmares.

No one had come for him, so Bertholdt assumed he still had time to get to his chore duty. Bertholdt wiped his face on his arm and slid off the side of his bunk. He slipped his shoes on and padded out the door. Bertholdt winced and shaded his eyes as his vision adjusted to the sunlight. He spotted a lingering group of trainees outside the dining hall. There were a few people heading over to the building on the far side of the compound.

He was just in time.

Bertholdt jogged across the compound to where the clotheslines were. Clipped sheets and shirts were fluttering in the slight breeze. Annie was already there, standing listlessly. Her expression shifted when she saw Bertholdt, who waved and stopped beside her.

"You skipped lunch?" She asked.

"Yeah." Bertholdt panted, making sure his face was dry of all tears.

"Reiner is getting the laundry. He said he wants to talk." Annie tipped her chin up slightly in Reiner's direction.

Bertholdt squinted and shaded his eyes, peering back to where she'd gestured. He spotted Daz clumsily rushing to heft a basket of damp clothing to Reiner's feet. Reiner picked up the basket and began carrying it back to the clothesline. Bertholdt quickly looked away and waited for Reiner to arrive. The basket was set down between the three of them. Reiner stretched his arms and immediately turned to Bertholdt.

"Sorry about earlier." He murmured apologetically, absently smoothing down a tuft of his messy blonde hair.

Bert just nodded and picked up one of the grey shirts, smoothing it out and clipping it where there was space. For the next few minutes the three hung clothes, towels and sheets. Reiner talked quietly as they worked, watching carefully for passing instructors or trainees.

"I don't understand it all, but I know for sure I'm not always myself. Sometimes I think and act as a human soldier." Bertholdt and Annie exchanged morbid looks. "I don't know until something conflicts with the Soldier reality and I'm back in this one, the real one."

"What was the last thing that brought you back?" Annie asked quietly, shaking out a shirt and clipping it a little further down.

"Earlier today, Bert was talking about our responsibility as Warriors." Reiner gave Bertholdt another apologetic look as he spoke.

"So you remember that... even though you were a... Soldier?" Bertholdt asked, dabbing at the sweat on his forehead.

"Yeah. I remember what happens while I'm a Soldier, but I make all my decisions as if I'm actually him..." Reiner looked down at the pillowcase between his hands. They were all silent for a moment, consumed by their own thoughts. The only sound was the slight ruffle of the breeze and Sasha and Connie's shrieks that carried over from the washing basin.

"What triggers the Soldier?" Annie kept her gaze low, so it looked as if she weren't talking at all.

Reiner's tone grew bitter and he quickly clipped up the pillowcase. "It's the same as what gets me out of it. Like, if another trainee needs help... or if we talk about training."

Bertholdt kept his eyes on Annie, unsure how to react. Annie moved purposefully as she clipped up her bundle of wet clothing. It almost looked like she wasn't paying attention at all.

"I suspected for a while. We'll just have to work around it." Annie said it so simply, surprising both Bertholdt and Reiner.

Reiner nodded, looking a little relieved. Then he turned to Bertholdt expectantly. Bertholdt swallowed and adjusted his shirt collar, which suddenly felt too tight. This was his opportunity to get some straight answers, but Bertholdt wasn't sure he had the courage to ask.

Bertholdt spoke quietly, his words only meant for Reiner. "You don't feel the same way about me... as a solider. I mean, do you- do you still...?" Bertholdt let his gaze drop and he shuffled bashfully.

Annie moved further down the clothesline, giving them some respectful distance. Reiner took a few steps forward and the two moved behind the billowing sheets, so they were partially hidden from the other trainees. Reiner gently took Bertholdt's hand and gazed up at the taller boy. He softly caressed the skin between Bertholdt's knuckles, looking pained.

"I love you Bertholdt," Bert's eyes widened at those words and his heart suddenly demanded attention, it was beating so hard. "But the other me, the human soldier, just sees you as a brother."

Bertholdt nodded weakly.

"I'm sorry." Reiner murmured, looking down at their interlocking hands.

Bertholdt brought his own hand up, cupping Reiner's jaw and stroking at the hairline behind his ear. Reiner sighed and leaned into Bert's touch, but the peace only lasted a few moments. Annie poked a foot under one of the sheets and the boys quickly separated. Seconds later, Mina appeared on the boy's side of the clothesline. Her hair was tied up messily and she looked exhausted.

"Hey Reiner! We need help moving the wagons and Jean said that you would be up for it... Uh, are you up for it?" Mina clasped her hands pleadingly and Reiner chuckled a little.

"Yeah, I'll be right there." Reiner replied easily. Mina nodded and turned for Reiner to follow. He gave Bertholdt a final, sidelong glance, before jogging after Mina.

Bertholdt watched them leave, twisting his hands together absently. He felt... He didn't know how he felt.

Annie crossed over from behind the sheets and handed Bertholdt a bundle of soaked clothing. After a moment of hesitation, the two moved down the line, hanging and clipping the clothes. Bertholdt focused on the task and the steady movement of his hands. It was easy to keep his mind busy and his thoughts blank.

"It was too much for him..." Annie mused aloud. "I'm surprised he was the first to break."

Something about the way Annie said that seemed odd to Bertholdt. He stole a quick glance at her pallid face. The dark purple crescents beneath her eyes held a permanently weary look. Annie sensed his gaze on her and looked over. Bertholdt quickly pretended to be studying the faded creme blouse between his hands, following the stitching with his eyes.

"At least he finally told you how he feels." She said that part quieter, kinder.

Bertholdt smoothed out the blouse and hung it up next to someone's uniform pants. "It doesn't matter... It would be better if we just focused on the mission. Better for both of us."

Reiner would feel guilty every time he was unfaithful as a Solider. Bertholdt didn't want to hold him to something he couldn't control. That would just be... cruel.

Annie was completely silent. Bertholdt glanced over to make sure she was still there.

"If that's what you want Bert." She replied finally, her expression impassive.

**x**

"What do you think Bertl? Could you take on the Colossal Titan?" Connie asked excitedly, slapping his hands on the table. Connie always got pumped whenever Eren talked about killing titans, especially the Colossal Titan.

"Yeah." Bertholdt muttered, trying not to hunch his shoulders as he intensely stirred his stew.

"Really, how?" Connie jumped up on the bench and crouched beside Bertholdt eagerly. Eren perked up as well, coming closer to the table. He'd never heard Bertholdt's kill tactic before.

Bertholdt quickly looked around the room, realizing what he'd just initiated. Annie and Reiner hadn't arrived yet. He was trapped.

"The Colossal Titan is much slower than others because of its size." Bertholdt explained, sweating like he was under an interrogation light.

"Wow, yeah! I never thought about that." Connie shoved half his portion of bread into his mouth, chewing grotesquely. Bertholdt pulled away slightly, feeling queasy.

"That's really smart." Eren added, leaning further towards him from across the table. He had his chin resting on his hands.

"T-thanks." Bertholdt stuttered, surprised by the compliment, but also rendered even more nervous by Eren's proximity.

"How many soldiers would you bring?" Connie asked, eyes wide.

"None," Bertholdt took a bite of stew, although he'd lost his appetite. "I'd fight alone."

"You wouldn't want a few distractions to help while you went for the kill?" Eren's eyes glazed over a little, as if the scenario was playing behind his eyes and a small smile pulled at his lips.

Bertholdt felt his jaw steel itself as images of Carlo's broken body flooded his mind. He'd caused that turmoil five years ago... that torment and anguish.

Eren had told Bertholdt and Reiner how his mother had been crushed under one of the boulders that the Colossal Titan had dislodged from the wall. He'd told them how he helplessly watched his mother be eaten alive. He trusted them.

If Eren knew...

"No," Bertholdt's voice rose, his fists clenched. "I would fight it alone. That way nobody else would have to die."

The boys eyes widened, surprised by Bertholdt's shift in emotion. Connie was looking up at him with adoration, which only made him more uncomfortable. Bertholdt quickly stood, mumbling an excuse as he carried his plate over to the dirty dish pile. He could feel their eyes on his back. He didn't dare look.

Bertholdt rushed towards the exit just as a group of trainees shoved through the door, laughing and joking. Bertholdt stood meekly to the side, waiting for the trainees to pass.

_Why am I so stupid? Why can't I keep my damn mouth shut?_

Bertholdt repeated those thoughts over and over. Each time he felt shakier and shakier. Finally, Bertholdt just shoved his way past the group of trainees and stumbled outside. A few of the trainees who were leaning against the railing gave him a curious glance before retuning to their conversations. Bertholdt hurried off the porch and jogged back towards the barracks.

He couldn't go back there... Not tonight.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Self-harm

This is the life we've chosen  
Can't get away from the robes you're clothed in

You've said enough now to be safe  
You've seen these lines form across your face  
Clutch to youth for your namesake  
Caught like a dreamer

[ The Fall - David's Lyre ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hvs7EAy7b9s)

**x**

Annie trudged from the supply shed, through the increasing darkness, towards the dining hall. Her arms were stacked with replacement canisters for the oil lanterns. Annie nudged the door open with one foot and shimmy inside the dining hall. Thankfully, the hall was empty and the lights were still on. The last thing Annie wanted to deal with was people. Whenever she went this long without a decent night of sleep, she tended to get snappy.

 _Am I really obliged to give an explanation or apology if I hurt someone's feelings?_ Annie thought snidely, setting the canisters down on the nearest table. _I'm more like a splinter no one could manage to get out._

She walked over to one of the hanging lanterns and with the help of a chair, she unhooked it easily from the wall. Annie took a deep breath, steadying herself, then began carrying it back to the table, where she could replace the burned out canister. Annie blinked harshly a few times to wake herself up and walked forward. The lantern slipped from her grasp, landing on its side and smashing one of the panels of glass.

Annie stared down at the shards in disbelief. _I dropped that?_ Annie followed the spilled glass with her eyes. It almost looked like the mess exploded from her feet, like some sort of sick metaphor. She laughed darkly and stepped forward, kicking at the metal frame of the lantern, sending it hurtling across the room. With the rickety metal gone, Annie just seethed down at the glass surrounding her.

"Why is this happening?" She whispered aloud, sinking to her knees. Where was her control? She needed to keep control if she wanted to survive. She could feel it slipping from her grasp, just like that lantern.

Annie saw her pale reflection in the network of glass. Her eyes were sunken and dark, her skin was pale. Annie brushed her bangs back and picked up one of the pieces. The tight movement caused a sharp pain in her ribs, making her wince. She hadn't... _healed yet_. Annie froze.

Earlier that day, she'd reacted too slowly in her maneuver gear and her grapple had missed its mark. She'd tumbled from the sky and slammed into one of the lower tree trunks, falling to the ground with a gasp. She'd laid there on her back, unable to breathe past the shock and blunt pain. Her eyes had trailed up to the empty treeline, the empty sky. Everything was empty.

Her ribs had been bruised pretty badly and to Annie's dismay, she was dismissed from the rest of training. That's when she decided to go ahead and do her chores before the others returned. Shadis had told her to get some sleep with her time off, but Annie didn't care about sleep, she just wanted to keep going. She didn't know how to say she was afraid, afraid of what might happen if she were still for too long.

There had been a moment on the ground, when Annie had been deliriously watching the sky, that the pain had cleared her head and she'd felt in control again. Although, at the time, she could barely move. She needed to recreate that situation somehow, those few seconds.

Annie turned the glass over in her hand until the sharpest side was away from her palm. She rolled up her left sleeve and stared down at her skin. _I can heal myself immediately after,_ Annie assured herself. _It'll be like nothing happened._

Annie dragged the shard across her skin, curling her lip. Her skin parted effortlessly in thin, barely visible lines, like tearing wet paper. The blood didn't come for a long time. Annie watched the crimson bead and drip from her arm, like heavy dew drops. As soon as she felt that release, she healed her skin. The steam wafted up and all that was left was her blood. Annie stared at that a bit longer, before finally standing and wiping the mess up with a rag.

Moments later the door opened and Ymir sauntered in, looking bored. Annie jumped in surprise.

"We just got back," Ymir informed Annie, inspecting her fingernails. "Christa was wondering if you'd like her to sit with you until you fall asleep, like the other night." She sounded quite bored, as usual.

Annie looked down at the skin on her arm. "Yes... If she's willing."

Ymir's gaze lifted and they made eye contact. Annie knew it was odd for her to accept help and most likely unwise. "What?" Annie snapped defensively. Her ribs hurt, her head hurt and she just wanted to sleep for more than an hour. She didn't want to think about what she'd just done, or how much she'd liked it.

Ymir shrugged, holding her hands up defensivly. "Chill. Christa is in the cabin."

Annie nodded tightly and sighed. "Thanks."

Something about Ymir's eyes felt utterly disarming. Annie quickly looked away and shouldered past Ymir, too exhausted to finish her chores. Ymir gave the mess a quick glance and sighed, moving to clean it up while muttering quietly to herself. Annie wished that they wouldn't help her like this.

One day soon, their kindness would just become another haunting memory.

**x**

Bertholdt was huddled up, sitting at one of the dining hall's benches. The other trainees were eating, but they were eerily quiet. Bertholdt noticed Reiner and Annie at the tables across from him, but they weren't moving. They were just sitting, watching their limp hands. Bertholdt looked down at his own hands. The insides of his wrists were bruised black and purple, like they'd been bound at some point. Strangely, they didn't hurt.

"...One of them. He's one of them." A familiar voice muttered from behind. Bertholdt startled and turned, making eye contact with bright blue orbs. It was Armin.

The small blonde had a bloodied hand raised towards Bertholdt, index finger singling him out. Bertholdt felt his heart stop when he noticed the shimmering blood that covered Armin's face as well. From the long shadows along the wall, Mikasa and Eren appeared, flanking Armin from the sides. Both their faces were shadowed, but Bertholdt could feel the hate radiating from their hidden eyes.

Bertholdt started to tremble as he scrambled backwards and onto the table. The room began to fill with the suffocating stench of spilled blood... Maybe it had been there all along.

The three trainees came closer, two steps at a time. It was synched, like clockwork. 

"Annie! Reiner!" Bertholdt called in desperation, turning towards his comrades. They still hadn't moved.

Mikasa suddenly lunged forward and Bertholdt barely managed to jump back. She hit the table top and rolled easily, catching her bearings and chasing Bertholdt to the other side. Bertholdt shoved past the crowd of motionless trainees who stood throughout the room, just watching with blank faces. Bertholdt skid to a stop and grabbed Reiner from behind, turning his best friend on the bench. Reiner's head teetered back limply and Bertholdt stared into the empty eyes in front of him. Bertholdt took a step back.

That was where the blood came from.

Bertholdt spun and ran to Annie's body, grabbing her shoulders. Her throat was slit, just like Reiner.

Bile rose in Bertholdt's throat and his hand flew to his mouth, just as Mikasa took him down. Bertholdt's skull cracked against the solid ground, making painful light fill his vision. Mikasa flipped Bertholdt onto his back, pinning him with a knee to his stomach. He could barely make her out among all burning light behind his eyes. Something thin and metal pressed against Bertholdt's neck and he closed his eyes, a whimpering sob building in his throat.

Bertholdt muffled his gasp and lifted a shaky hand to his face. He pressed his nails against his skin until a small pain spiked through him, just to make sure he was awake. He turned his head on his pillow, watching the faint moonlight filter through the windows and illuminate the bunks. His panicked heartbeat didn't match the calm atmosphere. His clothes were drenched through again.

When he was a little calmer, Bertholdt inched over to the edge of the bunk and leaned his head over the side. Reiner had a hand draped over his stomach and his face was peaceful. His chest rose evenly as he slept, assuring Bertholdt that the blonde was alive. Bertholdt's head began to ache from all the blood rushing to it and he laid back on his mattress, pulling his knees to his chest and sliding the blanket up over his head.

Bertholdt clutched his pillow in his arms and burrowed his face into the fabric. He wanted to be in the bunk below, hiding beneath the covers with Reiner and Marcel like when they were young. He wanted the long arms wrapped around him to be Reiner's strong ones instead. He wanted someone to kiss his head and hold his hand and tell him that the nightmare was over.

Truth was, he had no idea which Reiner was sleeping in the bunk beneath him, but Reiner slept easily most nights, which meant he was most likely a soldier. Reiner could escape, disappear, at least, for a while. Even though his bestfriend was trapped inside his own body, Bertholdt felt a tinge of envy. He shamefully rubbed at his eyes and tried to think about something else.

Bertholdt's thoughts wandered to Annie and he pressed his face harder into the pillow. _Is she awake now, too?_

Annie seemed to have just as much trouble sleeping as Bertholdt did. She said that when she managed to, her sleep was always shallow and dreamless. _Is that worse than the nightmares?_  Bertholdt wondered, feeling his sweat start to dry.

 _If she were here, she'd tell me not to ask stupid questions._ Bertholdt figured, letting his eyelids fall shut again.

**x**

Bertholdt moved from the showers to his bunk, keeping his head down as he walked. He had his bundle of dirty laundry tucked under one arm and his mop of damp hair was falling in his eyes. He really needed a haircut. _I'll ask Reiner for one later._ He decided, noticing Jean, who was leaned over his bed and folding his uniform. Bertholdt tried to duck to the side but his wide shoulder bumped against Jean anyway. The trainee jumped in surprise, clutching his chest. He seemed unusually tense.

"S-sorry, Jean." Bertholdt stuttered, turning from Jean's narrowing eyes.

Bertholdt gasped when Jean grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him slightly.

"Think you can just slink away all the time? _No_! Stop acting like everything's your fault." Jean was absolutely pissed. "It pisses me off! Stand up for yourself! How about a big 'move Jean, you fat fuck! You're in the damn way!'" Jean took a moment to collect himself, breathing hard, eyes wide. He was glaring, but not directly at Bertholdt.

"A- Are you okay?" Bertholdt asked quietly, he turned back to Jean and reached out hesitantly. He didn't want to set Jean off again, who hated accepting help and appeared to be having an internal debate anyway. Bertholdt's heart was hammering in his chest.

"I'm... fine." Jean muttered the words through his clenched teeth. "Just stick up for yourself, okay?"

Bertholdt nodded, mainly to placate Jean. Jean nodded curtly and waved Bertholdt off before returning to his uniform. Personally, Bertholdt thought Jean still looking a little baffled by the whole interaction.

Several of the other trainees in the barracks were staring with alarmed expressions, looking more terrified of Jean than normal. Bertholdt tried not to dwell on Jean's words, but they kept repeating inside his head. He was suddenly grateful that he and Annie had to agreed to meet. He couldn't be alone with his thoughts, not like this.

 _Everything_ is _my fault, Jean. If you knew what I've done you'd hate me._ Bertholdt grabbed his sweater from his bunk on his way outside. _You'd want me dead, no, worse than that. You'd want me to suffer._  

Bertholdt hoped that Jean would never have to find out about his betrayal. Something about having a bold, honest spirit made you expect people to be honest as well. Marcel had been the same way and it had only brought him harm.

Annie was waiting at the edge of the nearest clearing, between both the male and female barracks. Bertholdt came up beside her and leaned against the short railing of the fence. They stood in silence for a while.

"How long has it been?" Annie asked quietly. Bertholdt followed her gaze to Reiner, who was sitting with Eren, Mikasa and Armin near the porch of the dining hall. The four of them were laughing, which was a rare sight for Mikasa. She looked nothing like the girl from his nightmares. She looked... pretty, actually.

"Two weeks." Bertholdt replied quietly, looking away from the picturesque moment.

"It's getting worse." Annie murmred, thinking aloud. Bertholdt just nodded grimly.

Annie tilted her head. "He seems happier."

He looked up, alarmed. "What?"

"Look at him smiling Bertholdt," She sighed, turning away as Bertholdt's eyes lingered longingly on Reiner. "I hate it, but I'm just glad there's some good coming from it. That's all I meant."

Annie's melancholy tone was making Bertholdt's chest tighten. He turned to her, resisting the urge to wrap his arms around her shoulders. She'd probably throw him down if he tried. "I miss him Annie..." There was so much Bertholdt didn't know how to say.

Annie nodded slightly and sighed. "...He's coming over here."

Alarmed, Bertholdt looked up and was met with the sight of Reiner sauntering straight towards them. He was undoubtably a soldier.

"Sorry Bert, you're on your own," Annie muttered, "He's so righteous and touchy feely when he's like this. I can't stand it." She shook her head and quickly slinked away, missing Bertholdt's ungrateful look. He braced himself for impact.

"Butthole!" Reiner bounded over and wrapped an arm around the taller, grinning broadly.

"Don't call me that." Bertholdt mumbled, tiredly meeting Reiner's eyes. Hearing his nickname from the soldier made his heart ache.

"Let's walk and talk." Reiner prompted, dragging Bertholdt with him before he could reply.

Bertholdt quickly pried Reiner's hand off him and matched his pace instead. "What is it?" Bertholdt asked as they cut through some underbrush. They were heading towards one of the maneuver gear sheds.

"Tomorrow night, some of us are sneaking out to a pub. It's going to be a celebration for all the birthdays we've missed." Reiner paused, looking back at Bertholdt. "Want to come?"

"No thanks." Bertholdt wiped his sweaty hands on his shirt and tried to stay calm. What would he and Annie do if Reiner was caught and discharged from the trainee corps? The mission was too important, there was too much at stake.

"Why not?" Reiner crossed his arms stubbornly.

"I- I don't want to be caught and sent to work the fields." Bertholdt looked away and shuffled his heel into the soil. "You still want to join the MP right? Is sneaking out really worth it?"

Reiner rolled his eyes. "We won't get caught... and of course I still want to join the MP with you." His eyes narrowed. " _Seriously_ Bert, you can hardly sleep or eat. You need to relax a little if you want to stay at one hundred percent. This is exactly what you need!"

Bertholdt hesitated, trying to think of something to dissuade his comrade, but before anything came to mind Reiner was suddenly snapping his fingers.  _"Oh_! Is it Annie?"

"What?" Bertholdt gasped, his eyes widening in alarm.

"I thought so!" Reiner laughed, "That's why you've been avoiding me so much. She doesn't want to be anywhere near me, right? And you're spending all your time with her."

"T- That's not true." Bertholdt managed, swallowing dryly in a weak attempt to relax. He could feel nervous sweat starting to prickle across his skin.  _If soldier Reiner can associate Annie and I that easily, then we aren't being careful enough._ He thought quickly. _We need to be more careful._

"Don't worry. I won't tell anyone." Reiner gave Bertholdt a sincere look as he uncrossed his arms and placed a hand on Bertholdt's shoulder again. This time Bertholdt didn't brush him off. He relaxed a little, taking Reiner's words to heart.

Bertholdt laced his fingers together, attempting to keep his voice steady. "Even if that were true, it wouldn't matter. I'm going to concentrate on making the top ten and joining the MP. That's all."

Reiner pursed his lips and shrugged, taking a step back. "Well, I gotta get back. Let me know if you change your mind about the pub."

Bertholdt nodded and Reiner gave him a final arm pat, before spinning and walked back in the direction of the barracks. Reiner paused for a moment, like he'd forgotten something. "I really think it'd be good for you... and I... I want you there." Reiner's eyes were downcast and his tone was completely serious, but before Bertholdt could reply, Reiner was moving again.

Bertholdt watched him leave, feeling his uneasiness grow with each of Reiner's steps. Finally, when he was almost out of sight, Bertholdt started the walk back as well.

**x**

The white noise of the dining hall was lulling Bertholdt to sleep once more. He was so exhausted that if he was still for too long, people's voices and words would start to colleague with his wispy half-dreams. He let his head sink to the wooden table and wrapped his arms around his head, blocking out the lantern's light.

"Bertholdt... there you are. I've been looking for you." It was Reiner's voice. Bertholdt's eyelids fluttered open and he peeked between his sleeves.

It was actually Reiner. The blonde's hair was still drying from a recent shower and he had his dinner stacked up on a plate. He didn't look particularly happy, but he didn't look upset either. _He just seems... glad to see me._ Bertholdt thought, relieved. He felt himself smile softly.

"You look exhausted... Nightmares have you up still?" Reiner lowered his voice and set his food on the table. He quickly walked around to Bertholdt's bench and crouched beside him. Reiner held out his hand. "Here... Let's get you to bed."

"What... about your dinner?" Bertholdt asked reluctantly.

Reiner just shrugged and Bertholdt felt himself being lifted by the arm. He gripped Reiner's waist to steady himself and Reiner paused to let him get his bearings. He didn't seem to care what any of the other trainees thought. Bertholdt glanced back, instinctivly checking for Annie as Reiner lead out of the dining hall and into the chilly night air. Bertholdt didn't see her.

He rubbed at his eyes and blinked up at the night sky, sighing and leaning his head against Reiner's shoulder. The blonde smiled, wrapping his free arm around Bertholdt's waist.

"They're beautiful tonight." Bertholdt mumbled. It took Reiner a second to realize he was talking about the stars.

"Yeah, they are."

Bertholdt's eyes wandered over to Reiner, briefly wondering if this was just another cruel dream.

"Reiner?"

"Hmm?"

Bertholdt felt himself relax, really relax, for the first time in weeks.

They crossed the grass and climbed up the porch steps to the boy's barracks. Reiner propped the door open and they peered inside. As far as they could tell, the barracks were empty. Reiner left the lights off and the two stumbled towards their stacked bunks in the dark. Bertholdt rolled on to Reiner's bottom bunk and exhaled, letting his eyes close. Moments later he felt the heat of Reiner's fingers unlacing his boots and slipping them off.

 _I have to stay awake. I don't know how long Reiner will be here._ Bertholdt forced himself awake and propped himself up lazily with his elbows.

The moonlight was bright enough for Bertholdt to make out most of the objects in the room. The light was reflecting off Reiner's eyes, which were fixed on Bertholdt.

"I miss you." Bertholdt heard himself speak before he realized what he was saying.

Reiner's eyebrows pulled together regretfully."I'm sorry Bertholdt. I don't mean to hurt you. I'd never hurt you... I'm so _childish_ when I'm a Soldier." Bertholdt could hear the anguish in Reiner's voice as the blonde came around the bunk and leaned over to unbutton Bertholdt's shirt.

"We're only sixteen," Bertholdt mumbled, shivering as Reiner's cold hands brushed against his bare chest and slipped towards his shoulders, pulling his sleeves over and off his arms with a little manuvering from Bertholdt. "We should be childish..."

Reiner said nothing, but his expression darkened as he moved to Bertholdt's pants, helping the taller boy shimmy out of them. Finally, Reiner pulled up the blanket and tucked Bertholdt in, just like when they were little. He leaned down and pressed his lips to Bertholdt's forehead. The soft touch was torturous.

"Rest." His words were like a spell that Bertholdt couldn't fight. He laid there, his head cushioned by Reiner's pillow, which smelled like him, watching Reiner silhouette retreat towards the door.

"No, Reiner, wait."

He paused and turned slightly. "Yes?"

"Stay. Please."

There was the slightest moment of hesitation. "Of course," Reiner's voice was liquid. He kicked off his own shoes and climbed beneath the covers with Bertholdt, wrapping an arm around his waist again.

Bertholdt sighed and leaned his forehead against Reiner's. "...I don't want to wake up alone again."

Reiner's expression hardened. "I'll be here Bertholdt."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

The darkness and Reiner's warmth made Bertholdt's eyelids heavy. He felt his breathing even and the world started to blur with his dreams again.

"Reiner..."

"Hmm?" Reiner's deep voice vibrated beside Bertholdt's ear, making the taller boy smile sloppily.

"Thank you."

There was the longest silence and then Reiner shifted slightly, lacing his fingers with Bertholdt's. "...'Night."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long. The next one will be up much sooner!!

All my friends are all my enemies  
Know where to put the knife if they could  
All the nights and days they said they needed me  
Even if it was a lie it was good  
We're friends and enemies

[ Friends And Enemies - Freedom Fry ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcfH5ShlpOI)

**x**

It was the worst possible day to have a search and destroy exercise, which was most likely the reason Keith Shadis chose it. Rain was falling in thick sheets and everything was soaked. Everything. The ground had become two inches of slippery mud, the trainee's uniforms were starting to chaff, and the temperature had plummeted.

Once they reached the middle of the forest, the trainees would have to switch to maneuver gear and seek out the practice titans. Using the maneuver gear in the rain was not only a pain, but dangerous.

With each step, one of the shorter green cloaks began to fall behind. Shadis tugged on his horse's reigns and came up beside the boy. Of course, it was Armin. The blonde was panting heavily, eyes glossy, face flushed. He seemed to be clenching onto his supply bag's straps as if that was all that was holding him up.

"What's wrong Arlet? You're falling behind!" Shadis yelled towards the boy, keeping pace with his horse. His voice rose. "Is that pack too heavy for you? Will you be the one trainee to remove their equipment? If this were a real fight you'd be Titan food by now!"

Armin's face flushed further, but with shame instead of exertion. With a flick of his wrist, Shadis moved forward and left Armin to struggle. "Damn it!" Armin exclaimed through clenched teeth. Angry tears burned at his eyes, but he quickly blinked them away. He couldn't bring everyone else down with him.

Another cloaked trainee fell back while Shadis was busy yelling at Daz to stop dragging his feet. Armin watched the much taller cloaked figure as they came close and grabbed his bag, slinging it off his shoulder.

"Give me that," A gruff voice chided, revealing Reiner behind the hood. "At this rate, we'll all fail out! We're being graded on this exercise Armin."

Neither boy noticed Shadis slow his horse and watch their exchange from the corner of his eye.

Armin's lips pursed. "If you carry my bag, you'll loose points as well."

Reiner grinned. "Just don't let them find out and don't make me change my mind!"

It was a challenge. Armin's expression hardened and with a shout he grabbed the backpack off Reiner's shoulder and powered ahead, passing the slacking trainees easily before falling into a steady pace. Reiner smiled to himself before speeding up to join Armin up ahead.

Shadis shook his head, admiring Braun's tactics. The trainee had known exactly how to push Arlet's weakness and turned it into a strength, albeit in a way that was against the rules. Shadis could reprimand him for that later. He wondered if Braun had planned that interaction, which would imply superior observation and tactical thinking, or if the trainee simply had sharp intuition.

Shadis spotted the red mile marker tacked to a tree and he galloped to the front of the group.

Mikasa Ackerman, Annie Leonhart and Bertholdt Hoover were already taking their packs apart and switching to maneuver gear. Shadis dismounted. "You three are in squad one. Wait for the rest of your squad before you begin."

The three trainees nodded and caught their breath as they stood. Marco, Eren, Jean, Connie, and Sasha were the next five, arriving in various states of disarray. Shadis slated them with squad one.

"Go!" He barked.

Bertholdt, Annie, and Mikasa immediately fired grapples and reeled away. The other five were still fumbling to get their packs off. Shadis grunted and yelled at them to hurry up. The rain seemed to let up at that exact moment.

The second group arrived, looking more flustered than the first. The group consisted of Reiner, Ymir, Christa, Armin, Thomas, Samuel, Daz, and Mina, who appeared to be on the verge of tears.

"Squad two! Move out." Shadis ordered, his cloak billowing in the sudden shift of wind.

A majority of the trainees hesitated, except Reiner and Ymir, who grappled to the nearest tree immediately. Christa bit her lip and followed with Armin close behind, leaving the other trainees behind.

Shadis took some notes before grappling to the tree tops as well. He landed easily and walked along the platform on the tree line, heading towards squad one and the majority of squad two.

Shadis observed the trainee's tactics and wrote down his observations, as well as their score. Shadis couldn't help smiling lightly at Mikasa's perfect strike depth and accuracy. She was a true prodigy, although she still had much to learn.

Only moments after Shadis scored Bertholdt, Daz came flying from the tree branch above Shadis. The boy was headed clumsily for a straight-on collision with Bertholdt. Annie yelled something to Bertholdt and his immediate instinct was to bank away, which was a flawless reaction, but Daz had caught him at the worst possible moment.

They collided awkwardly and Bertholdt's wire snapped, sending the two of them to the muddy ground.

Daz quickly climbed off of his comrade and offered the taller boy a hand up. Bertholdt ignored it, his face furious. Shadis noticed Bertholdt had one arm cradled limply against his chest. With a sigh, Shadis swung down to the two boys, his boots taking a moment to find purchase in the mud.

"Daz, get back to your squad," Shadis growled. The boy nodded and back peddled, his eyes wide with fear. Shadis crouched before Bertholdt. "Let me see."

Bertholdt warily held up his right arm, wincing slightly as he moved it. Shadis gripped the wrist in a firm hand and cut away the material of Bertholdt's jacket sleeve with his pocketknife. Shadis turned the arm, running his fingers along the flesh. There was a certain spot, where Bertholdt winced the most, that was already starting to bruise and swell.

"I can send you back with an instructor," Shadis offered gruffly, "You'll still complete this exercise with full marks."

Bertholdt shook his head and stood, saluting to the best of his ability. "No thank you, Sir. I'd prefer to stay with my squad. If that's possible."

Shadis just nodded, working to suppress his smile. He'd expected nothing less from this trainee.

**x**

"I'm so glad that's over," Jean grunted. He picked up his harness and maneuver gear and hauled it over his shoulder. "You ready Marco?" He turned to the freckled boy.

"Yes. Let's go eat." Marco smiled softly and followed Jean down to the maneuver gear sheds. Their shoulders nearly touching as they walked.

That left just a handful of trainees, wiping off mud and dismantling their maneuver gear. Both Reiner and Annie had disappeared as soon as the trainees had arrived back, leaving Bertholdt injured and on his own.

 _They've been acting strange all day..._ Bertholdt frowned, deciding to take off his gear by himself. He leaned back against the nearby fence and set down his ruined trainee corps jacket, which Franz had helped him fold. He started on his chest buckle. Bertholdt's left hand fumbled uselessly with the metal and pain spiked through his right arm if he tried to move it in the slightest.

Bertholdt almost yelled in frustration. He couldn't heal, not here, and even if he did, he would have to pretend to fumble and request help just to get dressed in the morning. _This is the worst_. Bertholdt thought, giving up on the strap and cradling his injured arm instead.

"Nobody's helped you out of your gear yet?" A soft voice asked. Bertholdt quickly looked up at Christa and shook his head. Christa frowned and took a few steps forward. "Is it okay if I help?" Bertholdt hesitated and Christa quickly added, "Ymir and Sasha already went on without me and they're saving me food, so don't worry about making me late."

Finally, Bertholdt nodded. He knew he couldn't do it on his own and he was ready to get some warm food.

"Okay... lift your arm." Christa instructed, gingerly reaching to unstrap the buckle around Bertholdt's midsection. He watched as Christa gently worked on his buckles, her face inches from his.

Reiner was right. She was beautiful... like an angel.

Christa tentatively moved to the buckles on his thighs. "Tell me if you start to feel uncomfortable." She insisted quietly. Bertholdt just shook his head. Christa worked efficently and she moved to the strap on his chest only moments later. The two of them managed to free Bertholdt of all the leather, buckles and steel. Bertholdt stood and stretched his aching limbs, wincing when he bumped his arm against his side.

"Are you sure you don't want a sling for your arm?" Christa asked softly, smiling sympathetically at Bertholdt.

"I'm fine. Thank you Christa." Bertholdt was surprised she was _satisfied_ with helping him. She had asked for nothing in return. This girl couldn't truly be so pure. _Could she?_

"Evening meal already started. So go on ahead while I put these up," Christa commanded. Bertholdt nodded and Christa gathered their gear, turning to leave. "How is the pain?"

"Not bad. I'll be fine." Bertholdt forced a smile. Christa nodded and he resisted the urge to pat her on the head. She was so short.

With a final wave, Christa began the trek down to the maneuver gear sheds. Bertholdt watched her for a moment before looking towards the dining hall. He held his arm safe against his chest. His arm really did hurt, badly. Bertholdt decided to take the long way to the dining hall, so he could heal a bit while remaining out of sight.

Bertholdt walked downhill until he was near the tree line, then he turned and headed back around so he would arrive at the dining hall from behind. The only sounds were the crunch of leaves beneath his boots and the slight sizzle of his arm steaming and healing.

The pain immediately ceased and Bertholdt experimentally clenched his fingers. "Damn it..." He murmered. _I healed too much. Now I'll have to keep my arm covered and remember to fake the pain._ Bertholdt suddenly wished he'd accepted Christa's offer for a sling.

Bertholdt didn't notice the two people up ahead until he was almost within sight of them. They were positioned behind the dining hall so that no one could see them. He instinctively held back, hiding behind one of the crates that were scattered about.

Bertholdt recognized Reiner almost immediately. He seemed to be holding someone... someone short and blonde. _Annie? Is she okay?_ Bertholdt was about to run over and see if they needed help, when Reiner suddenly shifted their positions a little and Bertholdt noticed that their mouths were pressed together, passionately.

The way they were clutching each other reminded Bertholdt of the times he'd been behind the dining hall with Reiner. He felt his face heat up as Annie groped Reiner shamelessly. Had Annie and Reiner been together this whole time? Bertholdt didn't know what to think, but he felt jealousy rip through him. _  
_

Bertholdt started to back away nervously, suddenly afraid of being caught. Reiner shifted again, gripping Annie's wrists in one hand and pulling her body against his with the other. Bertholdt frowned. Annie's hair was too short, her body too slender.

It was Armin.

Bertholdt ducked his head and scampered away. He started walking in a large circle to the front of the dining hall, wringing his hands the entire way. When he neared, he covered his right arm with his ruined trainee corps uniform jacket. Bertholdt paused and looked up at the illuminated porch, watching the tiny moths battle for the warmth and light of the lamps.

He swallowed and rubbed his temple as images of Reiner waking from his peaceful, dreamless sleep filled his head. He could see the Soldier grinning up at the top of his bunk as he remembered the way Armin's tiny waist felt clutched between his hands. Or the feel or his lips... or his long blonde hair. 

Sometimes, he hated his imagination.

Bertholdt closed his eyes and turned away from the porch. He no longer had an appetite.

**x**

Reiner was gripping Bertholdt's arm, hard enough to be painful. Reiner waited for a reaction from Bertholdt, anything, but Bertholdt didn't respond. He didn't even wince.

"What happened to your arm?" Reiner asked, his voice low, eyes fiery. "Where the _fuck_ is your wound?"

"Nothing happened." Bertholdt held his ground, but his words didn't even seem to register.

Reiner unsheathed a blade, lifting it to Bertholdt's throat. Bertholdt lifted his chin warily, trying to avoid the cold edge of the metal. "You're one of them... aren't you?" Reiner's mouth was a hard line. "A Titan Shifter... like Annie."

Bertholdt felt his shoulders tense. _Annie? Is she alright?_

Tears brimmed in Reiner's eyes and he swallowed, chasing them away. Reiner's hand moved from Bertholdt's arm to the front of his shirt, gripping the fabric and tugging downwards so that their eyes were even.

"This whole time... you've been lying to me? You're the one responsible for all the death? All the suffering?" Reiner's voice was rising and the other trainees were starting to look over.

"No..." Bertholdt whispered weakly, feeling his hands shake. _Reiner is... he is..._

Reiner's eyes flickered again. "I'll never forgive you."

Then he was grabbing Bertholdt's shoulder, and before Bertholdt could react, Reiner was driving a knee into his stomach. Bertholdt coughed and fell to his hands and knees, clutching at his ribs and sputtering. He closed his eyes and his body lurched back as Reiner's boot kicked into his chest. Bertholdt hit the cold floor and felt the oxygen in his lungs escape. 

Reiner clutched at Bertholdt's collar, dragging him up again. Bertholdt gazed blearily into his best friend's eyes.

"Why don't you ever fight back, huh? Why do you always let me win? You're useless. Fucking pathetic." Suddenly the scenery changed and it wasn't Reiner who holding Bertholdt's bruised body.

It was a much older version of himself, dangling Bertholdt over the edge of a maneuver gear cliff.

"You won't fight back now either, will you? You're going to let me kill you... Why are you even here? You're so weak." The older Bertholdt's voice was deeper, rougher, almost like combat and sorrow had aged the sound.

Bertholdt just nodded numbly, feeling the older Bertholdt's grip slip a little.

"That's what I like to see." The older Bertholdt grinned and released his hands. He leaned over the side of the cliff, watching Bertholdt fall.

Suddenly Bertholdt was Carlo and the world was tumbling around him. He knew that somewhere on the side of the cliff, he was watching himself fall. He knew he only had a few seconds.

The jagged rocks at the bottom of the chasm were coming closer. He fumbled for his maneuver gear, but his hands were shaking so hard. It was too late... He was going to...

" _Bertholdt_! Shh, wake up. It's just a dream."

...die.

Bertholdt gasped, jolting up and clutching for his savior. He held onto Marco's warm arm and trembled.

"Shh, it's okay." Marco whispered, running a hand through Bertholdt's sweat drenched hair. Bertholdt was suddenly blatantly aware of his surroundings. Most of the trainees were in some state of half-sleep disarray. All eyes were on him. Bertholdt quickly released Marco's arm and with wide eyes he felt his heart rate slowly decrease. 

_...I must have been screaming in my sleep..._

Reiner was standing beside Marco, but further back. Bertholdt couldn't tell if Reiner was a Soldier or a Warrior. _Even if he is himself... The dream was so vivid... I don't think I could relax near him._ Bertholdt thought, closing his eyes and pressing his other hand to his chest as if he'd still be able to feel tender bruises.

"Marco..." Bertholdt met the other's eyes, his voice scratchy. "Could I sleep with you? J- Just for tonight."

Marco smiled. "Yes, of course. Here, I'll grab your blanket."

Bertholdt scooted back and picked up his pillow, clutching it to his chest as Marco bundled up his blanket and tucked it underneath one arm. Bertholdt shakily swung over the edge of his bunk and padded over to Marco's bed, which was a bottom bunk on the far side of the room. He hesitated, looking back at Marco, who was giving Jean a pointed look.

Jean just waved his hand through the air, like he was shooing Marco, and walked back to his bunk. With the cease of loud noises, most people turned over and went back to sleep. Reiner was hesitant, his eyes were fixed on Bertholdt, even after Marco crawled into bed with Bertholdt. He stood, the strong moonlight illuminating his eyes in the dark room.

Marco resumed the calming sensation of running his fingers through Bertholdt's hair. He didn't seem to mind Bertholdt's cold sweat at all and Bertholdt felt himself relax into the pillows. When he opened his eyes again, Reiner was in bed.

Very quiet, Marco whispered to Bertholdt, "...Carlo's death wasn't your fault."

 _Oh... so my screams were legible?_  Bertholdt tried to keep clam. _Hopefully I was silent when Reiner was accusing me..._

"Thanks... Marco."

Marco just smiled sadly. "Sleep now."

Bertholdt nodded, letting his eyelids flutter shut again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the rating to M for the cussing and themes and stuff.
> 
> TW: Self-harm

You know  
I'm done  
And I'm doomed  
When I come running  
To you

[Running - Delta Spirit](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvDBFB8RD_Q)

**x**

There was a early morning fog stretched low across the earth and the slightest drizzle from the overcast sky. The world was on the precipice of waking and sleeping. There were no sounds except for the slightest patter of the rain.

Annie sat at the edge of the female barracks' porch. Her legs were dangled over the side, each leg through a railing, and her head was leaning against the solid structure. Annie was exhausted from yet another sleepless night, but the surreal atmosphere helped clear her head.

Annie heard the barrack's door creak open behind her and she turned to see who could possibly be up this early. It was Mina Carolina, of all people.

"You're up." Mina spoke aloud. Annie wasn't sure how to respond to that unnecessary observation... So she didn't.

There was a shuffle and Mina moved to sit beside Annie, tucking her feet up underneath herself. Annie watched warily as Mina untied her hair and shook it out, running a few fingers through the strands.

_She's buying time, but for what?_

"Look, I know training can get tough," Mina began, her voice low as if she could startle Annie. "And I know this world can be even tougher. So... if you ever need to talk... I'm here."

Annie narrowed her eyes, although she was thoroughly confused by Mina's actions. _Why would Mina care about me? What does she really want?_

Mina sighed and looked out towards the training area. A slight breeze picked up, rustling their hair. She clasped her hands and took a nervous breath. "I saw your cuts when you were leaving the showers." Mina said it carefully, keeping her eyes off Annie.

Annie swallowed and turned her face away, nausea rolling in the back of her throat. Annie hadn't thought about what might happen if someone noticed her cuts. She wasn't even supposed to have them, but more often than not she didn't have to opportunity to heal them. The fact that Mina had seen them was disgustingly intimate. All Mina had to do was notice her cuts and she already knew things even Bertholdt and Reiner didn't.

 _Now Mina thinks she understands me. She thinks we have some sort of common ground. She feels_ _empathy. Empathy!_

"I don't need your help... or want it." Annie kept her voice plain, like Mina was barely worth speaking to.

Mina took a deep breath and her face relaxed a little. She tucked some of her flyaways behind her ear. "That's okay..." Mina smiled softly.

Annie found herself watching Mina, who had her eyes on the hazy sunrise. Mina was pretty... in a forgettable way. She definitely didn't seem like the type to approach someone like Annie.

"...Why are you still here?" Annie asked after another moment, allowing some of her anger to seep through her voice.

Mina just shook her head and stood. "I won't ask you why you put up all the armour. I get it. All of us here, even Eren, all we want is to survive, and I know this is your way of doing that." Mina paused, her mouth twisting to a smile. "You're actually a kind person beneath all your masks, aren't you?"

Annie forced a curt laugh. "Why do you assume there's good in everyone?" Annie was conflicted suddenly. She wanted to smile, but she also wanted to stick up her middle finger at the girl. "That's so damn naive."

 _Why is she even talking to me? Does she actually... think about me sometimes? I guess she'd have to..._ Annie thought back, trying to remember times she'd interacted with Mina. All she came up with was Mina's breathy laugh and her eagerness to go through the girl's barracks, styling people's hair.

_She really is forgettable._

Mina just smiled, almost... shyly. Annie found herself faintly smiling back. Without another word, Mina turned and went back inside the barracks.

Annie remained long after the door shut behind the trainee. The waking sun managed to cast streaks of yellow and pink through the sheet of overcast clouds. The colors lit up the fog in the woods and the slightly drizzling rain, but Annie was no longer watching.

 _How could I fuck up this badly?_ Annie thought, pressing her fingernails into her palm until it hurt. _That girl is my enemy..._ _  
_

**x**

"How long has it been?" Annie asked quietly, ripping apart a blade of grass and reaching down for another.

Bertholdt and Annie were alone on a ledge near the lake. It was a secluded spot within the thin woods that Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie had discovered together when they first joined the trainee corps. They'd been looking for a place they could meet in secret and now the spot just highlighted how Reiner wasn't there.

Bertholdt and Annie didn't actually discuss the mission anymore. Usually they sat in silence and sometimes they tried to get some rest.

"Almost two months." Bertholdt replied easily. A light breeze ruffled his hair and dried the slight perspiration on his skin.

"He's been all over Armin, for fucks sake. It's disgusting." Annie tossed the torn up grass, watched the pieces float to the ground, then picked another handful. Bertholdt had nothing to say.

Annie paused for a moment, tilting her head and then looking towards Bertholdt. "Do you think one day he'll stop coming back?"

"I don't know." Bertholdt tucked his knees closer to his chest, trying to block out the direction his thoughts were going.

The two of them sat in heavy silence, watching the lake manipulate the light and make the water sparkle. It was beautiful. They could see all the way across the lake from there.

Annie broke the silence. "You're number six right now Bert."

Bertholdt gave her an empty look and the two of them held it until Annie's face hardened. She moved from Bertholdt's shoulder to his thigh, resting her head on the muscle and watching the cloudless sky. Bertholdt ran his fingers through her silky hair and she closed her eyes. She looked perfectly relaxed, but Bertholdt knew she was still on guard.

"All we have is the mission." Her words were just a sad whisper. Annie looked so desolate.

Bertholdt sighed and then carefully leaned forward, cupping her hair in his hands. He brushed his lips against hers and when she didn't punch him, Bertholdt kissed her again. Annie's eyes were open when Bertholdt pulled away. She watched him for a moment, her expression unreadable.

Annie turned her face away from Bertholdt, just watching the lake shimmer again. As Bertholdt ran his fingers through her hair, words suddenly materialized for what he was feeling.

"Without Reiner there's no fucking point." Bertholdt clenched his hands into fists. Annie flinched and he quickly pulled back, releasing her hair. Her eyes flickered up to meet Bertholdt's. There was something there Bertholdt had never seen before. It looked like... hunger.

"Do that again." Annie whispered as she crawled up on to Bertholdt's lap. 

She pressed her lips to his throat and Bertholdt did as she asked, feeling her grin against his skin. _Didn't that hurt?_   Annie slid her hands beneath Bertholdt's shirt and down towards the waist of his pants. He closed his eyes and imagined her tiny, cold hands were Reiner's large, warm ones. He didn't bother asking Annie who she was pretending he was. He didn't bother speaking at all.

**x**

Annie was crouched behind one of the trees near the dining hall. She had slipped out during noon meal after telling Mina she forgot something in the barracks. Most people were inside eating, but Annie didn't know how long she had before someone came looking for her.

Hastily, Annie wiped up the blood on her arm. She was being forceful and it stung the fresh cuts beneath, but Annie didn't care. She was being reckless just by doing this during the day, out in the open no less.

Leaves crunched beneath footfalls and Annie yanked her sleeve down, spinning quickly. Reiner looked a little surprised to see her, but he quickly collected himself. Seeing her comrade only put Annie further on edge. She didn't know his state of mind.

"What?" She asked finally, tone sharp.

"I thought you'd be here." Reiner's voice was low and serious. _Warrior... He must be a Warrior._

"Bertholdt seems..." Reiner paused, searching for words. His eyes suddenly caught sight of the bloodied fabric on the ground and flickered to the smudges of blood on Annie's hands. Annie couldn't do a thing to stop it. It was all in a matter of seconds.

Annie adjusted her hands behind her back, out of sight. She had been too careless, too sloppy, too needy and desperate.

"What happened?" He asked, voice firm and protective. He took a few steps closer. Annie immediately took just as many back.

"Nothing."

Reiner's eyes narrowed and he quickly lunged, gripping her arm. She flinched in pain and Reiner noticed. He yanked up her sweater's left sleeve, exposing her collection of scars and cuts.

Annie ripped her arm away, skin already steaming, erasing the evidence. "Fuck off." She hissed.

"Why weren't you healing those?" Reiner's voice was surprisingly gentle. What was she supposed to say to that? Reiner wouldn't understand. He wasn't weak like her.

"I don't want your 'help'." Annie made her voice sharp, but for a moment she questioned her own words.

"Annie..." His tone was so gentle. "I'm sorry I'm a shitty warrior. I wish I didn't have to leave you to face this all alone." He took another step closer.

"I have Bertholdt." Annie replied quietly, although she knew that was only a half truth. Reiner's eyes hardened, confirming that he was thinking the same thing. Annie knew that Reiner cared for her, but he would always choose Bertholdt over her, and that could be dangerous. Just like her father said, she couldn't trust anyone. The world was her enemy.

 _I don't need anyone._ Annie assured herself.

Something flickered across Reiner's face, confusing Annie completely.

_He's jealous?_

Reiner shifted gears suddenly, his face slipping into his characteristic frown. "Is something wrong with Bertholdt?"

Annie paused, unsure if Reiner was still himself.

"Being around you is painful for him." Annie murmured truthfully as Reiner took another step closer. She could relax with the topic off of her.

Reiner's fists clenched, his eyes downcast. "If you think that'll help... then I can do that."

"No don't," Annie said quickly, surprising herself. Reiner looked up, his eyebrows raised. Annie curled her lip slightly. "It might be painful, but it also makes him happy. It's... He only smiles with you."

They were both silent. The trees shook in the wind, causing a few of the brighter leaves to fall and flutter around them.

"Do you have feelings for Bertholdt?" Reiner's voice was quiet, his face strangely unreadable.

"No."

Reiner shook his head and Annie crossed her arms, as if that would protect her from his scrutinizing gaze. They silently watched the leaves fall, but there was something unspoken in the air.

Annie momentarily wondered how he saw through her so easily. It kind of pissed her off. She glanced up at his passive expression and blinked as Reiner's eyes met hers. He looked so sad.

He put his giant hands on her shoulders and stooped so they were on eye level. "Keep him safe." His amber eyes were piercing.

She didn't know what to say, so she just nodded. Reiner ran one of his thumbs along the dark circles beneath her eyes and Annie turned her face away. "You're too intense sometimes." Annie muttered.

"Yeah." Reiner straightened up and slid his hands into the pockets of his hoodie.

**x**

"Hey..." Reiner crouched down in front of Bertholdt, startling him. The thick booklet Bertholdt had been reading fell out of his hands and on to his lap.

"Reiner!" Bertholdt complained quietly, picking his booklet back up and scooting to make room for Reiner. He sat beside Bertholdt, leaning against the bark of the tree and smiling.

It was a nicer day and most of the trainees were outdoors. Connie and Sasha had started a game of charades on the other side of the training grounds. Both Armin and Annie were there, although Annie only seemed to be there because of Mina's insistence.

"I'm myself, by the way." Reiner informed Bertholdt with another small smile. Bertholdt couldn't help smiling back. He immediately grabbed Reiner in a hug and Reiner chuckled quietly, patting Bertholdt's head.

They pulled away and Reiner's expression quickly turned serious. "I have a favor to ask of you."

"What is it?" Bertholdt's face darkened, he could feel sweat start to prickle on his lower back.

Reiner looked away temporarily and nodded. It was like he was thinking back to something. "You've seen Annie acting recklessly during training as well, right?"

"Uh, yeah." Bertholdt thought back to the training segment when Daz had crashed into him. Annie had swung right through a briar of thorns, receiving tiny scratches all over her face and hands. Bertholdt had thought it strange, since she was the only one to take that route, but it definitely wasn't activity that could put them in a compromising position. Then there was her cutting... but that still wasn't dangerous.

"Keep an eye on her... since I can't." Reiner's voice was solemn. "Make sure she doesn't do anything to jeopardize the mission."

Annie had always been a little more impulsive, but she had never done anything that put them at risk. Although, if Reiner felt the need to bring it up then there was probably reason. "And if she does...?" Bertholdt asked, absently wringing his fingers in his lap.

"Stop her." Reiner said it simply, but Bertholdt felt his eyebrows pull together. That was such vague instruction.

"We'll be okay." Reiner assured Bertholdt, resting a comforting hand on Bertholdt's knee. Reiner always sounded so confident, but Bertholdt knew a lot of it was for show. He just nodded and Reiner let his hand drop.

Bertholdt could feel Reiner's eyes on him as he picked his booklet back up and pretended to read. Warmth was radiating through their joined shoulders and Bertholdt wished they were somewhere more private for a moment. There was a question that had been on Bertholdt's mind for a while and he decided to ask it while he had Reiner to himself.

"So you... you remember everything that happens while you're a soldier?" Bertholdt felt nervous asking, but he was curious, "Even your thoughts?"

"I believe so." Reiner replied easily. "Although, really, I wouldn't know."

Bertholdt felt his cheeks heat up as he tried to figure out how to phrase his question. "Do you feel differently towards Armin now... now that you and him..."

Reiner nodded and Bertholdt couldn't help taking his eyes off his booklet. "Part of me sees the appeal in him, but it's a part that I can ignore."

"What about when you're a Soldier? Am I the same way?" Bertholdt asked. He appreciated Reiner's honesty. He also found the subject interesting. Reiner smiled softly at Bertholdt's quiet enthusiasm.

"Yeah, that's one reason I act so tense around you when I'm a solider. I'm confused about why I feel so deeply attached to you... and why I have so many dreams about you," Reiner quietly chuckled when he said that, obviously remembering something. Bertholdt felt his blush grow even stronger. "I even get jealous."

"So do I." Bertholdt admitted, feeling a small smile spread. They both laughed a little and Reiner leaned over to pick up Bertholdt's booklet.

"You're reading old manuals?" Reiner asked dubiously.

"It's the most interesting thing I could find." Bertholdt was a little defensive.

"Wow. You're almost as bad as Armin." Reiner said it casually, but Bertholdt felt the words like a weight on his chest.

Bertholdt waited a few seconds before asking. "If the time comes... will you be able to kill him?" The words felt sour coming from his mouth.

Reiner hesitated. "Yes."

**x**

Bertholdt was sitting on Reiner's bunk in the barracks. Evening meal had ended not long before and everyone was still a little rowdy from another of Eren and Jean's fights. Eren was standing in the middle of the room, excited by the prospect of their nearing graduation. There was a small crowd surrounding him, like usual. Bertholdt had his eyes on the floor, but he could almost see Eren's eyes lighting up with every word he spoke.

Finally there was a pause and someone managed to ask, "How about you Eren?"

"I'm joining the Survey Corps, of course." Eren replied easily. Bertholdt could sense the challenge in his voice.

"You're crazy!" A different trainee shouted.

"What?! No way! I'll fight you!" Eren immediately retorted. There was a light scuffle and Bertholdt peered up. Eren had Daz by the collar of his shirt, his fist poised to strike.

"S-stop!" Armin cried, grabbing onto Eren's shoulder. "Don't fight!"

Their eyes met and Eren made a stubborn face. "Fine..." He released Daz and followed Armin back to the center of the room. Daz rubbed at his throat with wide eyes before following.

"What about you Connie? What branch are you joining?" Eren turned to Connie, his demeanor back to normal.

Connie hesitated. "The Military Police. Probably."

"Ah, you too huh?" Eren just nodded, and slung an arm around Armin, who immediately gave Eren a peeved look.

"Yeah. Don't you dare call me a coward." Connie crossed his arms defensively, but Eren just smiled and used his other hand to cuff Connie's shoulder affectionately.

He'd obviously been spending too much time with Reiner.

"In three weeks, we'll finally be able to kill some fucking titans!" Eren grinned, but the other trainees just gave him wary looks.

"...Suicidal bastard..." Bertholdt heard Jean mutter to his left. His face was still a little swollen from his fight earlier as well as his attitude. It looked like he was standing as far away from Eren as he could. Marco was as cheery as ever though, standing right beside Jean. They were a strange pair, but Bertholdt figured if anyone could handle Jean's hotheaded self, it was Marco.

"I like his enthusiasm." Marco said quietly, holding his hands up when Jean glared at him. "Anyway, I was supposed to leave ten minutes ago. I'll see you when I get back, Jean. Okay?"

"Yeah." Jean said, his expression shifting when Marco squeezed his hand affectionately, before turning away and heading out of the barracks.

Suddenly, Jean turned his head and noticed Bertholdt watching him. His expression twisted in to his regular smirk and he walked over to Bertholdt, leaning against the top bunk. Bertholdt felt his skin break out in a cold sweat and his stomach twist into an uncomfortable mush.

They had no idea that graduation could be their final day in this world. They wouldn't be able to cherish the moments between then and now. They didn't know. Bertholdt pressed his hands to his face. He could already see the torn, smashed, bloodied bodies of comrades, the trainees, his... _friends_.

 _Oh God._ Bertholdt felt bile rise in his throat.

"Woah, Bertholdt, chill. I was just going to ask which branch you're joining." Jean dropped his casual stance and gave Bertholdt a concerned look.

Bertholdt quickly dropped his hands and instead wrapped them around his stomach. _If I'm getting sick_ now _, what will happen to me after we attack Trost? Maybe I'll loose it... like Reiner, or destroy myself like Annie._

"The Military Police as well." Bertholdt replied, the steadiness of his voice surprised him. He needed to get out of here. Bertholdt stood and headed for the door. Jean gave him a questioning look that he ignored.

The cool air started to dry some of the sweat on his brow, but the thoughts only got worse. He couldn't be alone, not now.

Bertholdt hopped off the porch and ran towards the dining hall, hoping it wasn't empty. He opened the door and immediately heard the sound of soft voices. Bertholdt nearly cried in relief when he saw Christa and Marco inside. They were sitting at one of the tables and sewing up the clothing that they had torn while using their maneuver gear in the forest. Bertholdt sat at the bench across from them and Christa looked up.

She genuinely smiled. "Hey Bert!"

Bertholdt kept his eyes down. "Hey." He replied nervously, trying to keep his breaths steady.

"Are you okay?" Marco asked, Bertholdt's eyes flickered up to meet with Marco's warm brown ones.

"Yeah. Yes. Fine." Bertholdt nodded, wiping some sweat from his chin. Marco smiled in response, but Bertholdt could tell the smile wasn't genuine. Marco, kindly, said nothing.

"Congratulations on third place." Christa's blue eyes were nearly sparkling. "You're right behind Mikasa and Reiner!"

"Y-yeah." Bertholdt mumbled.

Marco smiled as well and turned to Christa. "You made tenth this time, didn't you?" She nodded eagerly. "Good effort!"

"Thanks Marco."

They both turned back to their sewing, rather intensely and Bertholdt let his head droop, cradling it in his arms. After a while, the two started their chit chat again, mostly talking about animals and chores. Apparently Christa loved horses and Marco thought chickens were the coolest thing.

The innocent conversation allowed Bertholdt to eventually sink to the table. He closed his eyes and imagined himself at Christa's childhood farm. He was surrounded by fresh air and golden fields of wheat. Together, he and Christa would take her horses out on rides and brush and wash them by hand. Bertholdt could push her on the swing and Christa could show him all the hiding places down by the creek. Bertholdt could reach the apples on the tree without a ladder and Christa could bake pies... They'd make a good team.

Marco's giggly laugh suddenly interrupted Bertholdt's imagery.

Then Bertholdt was a child again, living within the walls in a small, but cozy home. He and Marco would spend their days outdoors, playing hopscotch and soldier. Marco would ruffle his hair and hold him up on his shoulders so he could peer into the neighbor's garden. Then when they got home Marco's mother would scold them for getting so dirty and scrub them until they were pink and giggly.

He heard the benches shift slightly and then the three of them were older, patrolling the streets of Sina with their Military Police trench coats billowing as they walked. After their shifts they would go to the pub and chip in for a few ales, then they'd stay until it was dark, drinking and laughing. Bertholdt could actually help people...

"He's asleep." Christa said quietly, "Should we wake him?"

"No, let him rest." Marco replied warmly.

Then Bertholdt saw lightning strike and shatter the walls. The sounds of screams and the stench of burning flesh quickly assaulted his senses. The three were thrown into a hoard of panicked people. Within moments, Marco and Christa were shoved out of sight. Bertholdt tried to follow, but the sea of bodies was too thick. He could feel his desperation growing. He didn't want to be alone, not here.

Finally, the crowd began to thin when earth shaking footsteps began nearby. Bertholdt ran in the direction Marco and Christa had disappeared. He turned a corner and saw two limp bodies scatted across the ground, soaked in blood.

Bertholdt opened his eyes. The faintest hints of sunlight were coming through the window. He was alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's only one more chapter after this :/


	7. Chapter 7

You are another one  
Buried here by no one  
I will keep you inside with your soul alive

You're on your own  
Keep your head  
Beneath your hands  
Play your part  
All on your own  
Closed and bruised  
You're on your own

[Broken Bones - Chvrches](http://www.last.fm/music/CHVRCHES/_/Broken+Bones)

**x**

The 104th trainee squad was slated to go on their final overnight training segment. All the equipment was packed and ready to go, they were simply awaiting their finalized dispatch orders. Most of the trainees were scattered around the clearing, chatting and killing time before departure was confirmed. A lot of them had trouble taking the whole thing seriously, with graduation so close.

Bertholdt was crouched, watching a train of ants carry crumbs of bread past his foot. Bertholdt moved some of the debris out of the path for the ants and backed up, feeling himself bump into someone's legs. Bertholdt blushed and stood quickly, relieved to find it was just Reiner, although, Reiner had his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. _Soldier_. Bertholdt deemed, quite skilled at identifying his friend's mindset now. The two were assigned to different teams for the overnight training, so this could very well be Bertholdt's last chance to talk to Reiner before they left.

"So how's Armin?" Bertholdt asked, absently adjusting his thigh straps a little.

Reiner huffed and crouched beside Bertholdt, tipping his head back in exasperation. Bertholdt had to pinch himself to keep from chuckling at Reiner's dramatics.

"What is it?" Bertholdt asked, raising his eyebrows.

"There's something wrong with me. The closer graduation gets, the most distant from Armin I feel. I know that he's probably going to join the Survey Corps, because of Eren, and I'm joining the Military Police with you, but it's not just that. It's like... like the closer graduation gets, the more wary of Armin I become. I don't get it." Reiner dragged his hands down his face and looked towards Bertholdt helplessly. "There's something wrong with me!" _  
_

Bertholdt was still processing Reiner's outburst, but he had a feeling he knew exactly what it was. The last time Reiner was a Warrior, the three had had agreed to attack the district of Trost the day before graduation. _Maybe somehow Reiner knows, even though he's a soldier._ Bertholdt thought, feeling his eyebrows tip upwards.  _The lines between his subconscious and conscious are so blurred._

"Give yourself some space. You've probably been spending too much time with him." Bertholdt tried to sound as confident as possible, but Reiner still gave him a skeptical look. _Things will be easier this way... if Armin dies during Trost._

"If you say so."

Bertholdt smiled nervously, glad that Reiner ignored the fact he knew next to nothing about relationships. Instead, Bertholdt quickly changed the subject. "The worst part of these training segments is the waiting, huh?"

"Yeah, but let's make the most of it. Okay? It's training for our future as soldiers." Reiner was still scowling, but his eyes seemed to brighten slightly.

Bertholdt felt himself sink lower. "If you say so."

They stood in silence for a moment, watching the trees in the distance sway in the slight breeze.

"Reiner?"

"Hmm?"

Bertholdt's throat was tight. "Training is almost over... Then we can do what we came here to do and finally go home."

Reiner looked over at Bertholdt and quirked a small smile. "You speak nonsense sometimes."

Bertholdt managed not to flinch, instead flashing an innocent expression.

"But yeah, it'll be nice to see our home again." Reiner finished.

Bertholdt nodded, letting his eyes sink back to the earth. He could no longer see the ants below. He heard Reiner shift closer beside him.

"You okay?" Reiner asked, his eyebrows pulling up in concern. Bertholdt nodded quickly and decided to ask something he'd been meaning to ask for a while.

"Do you think you could take on the Colossal Titan?"

Reiner scoffed, his smile widening. "Honestly, the Colossal Titan is big and scary, but I think ripping up that Armored Titan would be much more of a feat. Just watch, if those things ever show up again, I'll be waiting." Reiner's eyes softened and he leaned closer to his friend. "We could take it down together."

"I'll hold you to that." Bertholdt muttered, just as Sasha ran over, waving their orders wildly.

**x**

"This is so useless," Annie said, her chin resting in the palm of her hand. "We aren't being scored on this and we're about to graduate, so even _that_ doesn't matter."

She was in a worse mood than usual.

"Its funny they chose the two people who don't sleep to keep watch." Bertholdt attempted to joke, but Annie just glared at him. 

"All the Military Police do is sit around anyway. We'll get plenty of practice then," Annie muttered, "I'm fucking bored."

"Complaining doesn't help." Bertholdt sighed.

"Shut up."

Bertholdt did and, together, they sat in silence. A few hours earlier, the other trainees had voted over who would keep watch until sunrise. Bertholdt and Annie were chosen and neither had complained, since being alone was a blessing. They had moved to one of the lowered platforms a few meters away from the tents and attempted to get comfortable. There were hours to go and Bertholdt was already restless.

He stood and hopped off the wooden platform. He walked circles around Annie as she stared at the darkened sky. Bertholdt grabbed a stick and crouched in the dirt. "Want to play tic-tac-toe?"

"No."

Bertholdt rolled his eyes and played by himself, scratching at the earth. "I keep winning. I can't outsmart myself." He muttered, kicking the dirt back into place.

Annie watched Bertholdt stand as he dragged his stick through the dirt, a different design this time.

"What're you drawing?" Annie asked, voice and expression still apathetic.

"The Colossal Titan."

Annie just yawned and glared off into the distance again. Bertholdt kicked over his canvas and started sketching Annie's profile in the dirt. He quickly came to the conclusion that Annie's face looked better on her face and erased that drawing as well.

"Bert."

"Hmm?"

"I'm ditching."

"But Shadis said-"

"Yeah... I don't care."

Annie stood and hopped off the platform. She started walking the exact opposite direction of the campsite. Bertholdt glanced back cautiously before following after her.

"Wait up..." He muttered, staying a few steps behind her.

It was pretty dark in the thick of the woods. Only a trace amount of moonlight managed to trickle through the leaves and branches, and the only sound was the crunch of their even footfalls. 

"Where are we going?" Bertholdt asked quietly. Annie just shrugged and they continued on in silence.

Finally, the trees started to thin and the world seemed to drop away. They were at one of the maneuver gear cliffs that the trainee corps no longer used. Bertholdt stayed near the outskirts since his maneuver gear was off and back at the camp. Annie didn't have hers on either, but she walked right up, getting on the ledge and balancing. There was a mild smirk on her face.

"Isn't that a little close?" Bertholdt asked, feeling his stomach flutter as Annie peered over the edge, a strange glint in her eyes. "Annie...?"

She didn't respond, just took another step.

Time stopped as a sudden realization knocked the breath out of Bertholdt. _Annie couldn't... she wouldn't do that in front of me... would she?_

Annie turned on her heel, facing Bertholdt. Her expression was as flat as ever and the way the breeze lifted her blonde hair made his stomach lurch.

"Even if you tried to fall I'd go after you, you realize that right?" The words slipped from Bertholdt's lips and he realized their truth.

_I don't want to be alone._ Even as Bertholdt thought it he felt his eyes widen. Annie was a replacement, she was too small. Even if Bertholdt tried to fill the space left by Reiner it wasn't enough. He wasn't enough.

They had been broken, even before Shinganshina.

Annie's eyes almost sparkled just then, like she knew exactly what Bertholdt was thinking, like he was finally let in on some inside joke, like he was stupid for believing anything else.

"What are we doing Bertholdt?"

"Just come down from there." Bertholdt's voice lowered.

"What's the point of this?" Annie said, sweeping her arm out in front of her, almost angrily.

"I- What're you saying?" 

"This fucking mission Bertholdt. What's the point?"

"We get to go home." Bertholdt's eyebrows furrowed and his palms began to sweat. 

"Is that all you ever think about?" Annie asked, her voice cold. "I can't even think that far ahead. It's just survive. That's all there is for me. Fight and die or fight and live."

"What's your point?" Bertholdt didn't want to talk about this. Not here, not now. He just wanted to keep his head down and continue on with the mission, but his feigned confusion didn't work on Annie like it did Reiner. She saw right through him.

"Maybe there's a third option. We could play pretend. Take shit and maybe, eventually, rise through the ranks of the Military Police... live decent lives."

_Why the fuck is she bringing this up now. We're so close._ "You know the consequences if we fail." Bertholdt let his voice rise.

Annie grinned, but her tone was almost completely monotonous. "Just concentrate on the fight. You enjoy that don't you?" She raised her fists mockingly.

"You're fucking crazy." Bertholdt spat back bitterly.

She shook her head, a spark running through her, making her fists tighten, turning into weapons. "I don't lie to myself."

Bertholdt felt his heart start to pound. _Would she actually attack me?_ He wondered warily, feeling a familiar power deep in his gut, a brutal strength he hadn't felt in almost three years. ... _She's baiting me._

"Don't play games with me." Bertholdt could feel adrenaline coursing through him. Fighting as a titan did feel good... in the moment. It was just so easy, like a second nature.

Annie was completely silent, just watching him blankly, like he was hardly there at all.

"We aren't going to survive Bertholdt."

"Don't... don't talk like that."

"We can't do it, not with just the two of us." A dull ache was quickly replacing the fire in her eyes and she let her fists fall.

"Reiner is still here!" Bertholdt's voice cracked. She knew him too well. She knew exactly where to push.

"Maybe, but there's no way we can rely on him. We can't trust him." Annie met his eyes again. Bertholdt could almost hear her unspoken words; _I can't trust you. I can't trust myself. There is no one._

"What do we do then?" Bertholdt mopped his sweaty face, feeling shaky, like something would attack him at any moment.

They were quiet, letting the tense silence build and when she spoke again, her voice was hardly a whisper. "...What we came to do."

She wouldn't meet his eyes. Annie just stepped down from the ledge and walked past Bertholdt without a second glance. Bertholdt pressed his hands to his face, and tried to swallow the lump building in his throat. 

They were drowning.

**x**

Smoke, rubble, blood, bruised. Standing at the top of the wall, Bertholdt could see it all. He could see everything his hands had done. He was rusting from the inside out, becoming hollow. He could see the people running, see their intestines spilling in vivid shades of red. He could smell the death forcing its way down his throat. He could feel the high of shifting still streaming through him, that raw power that couldn't be called animalistic. It was something even worse, something emptier.

Annie was right. He enjoyed this. It was so easy to play God when he was so high above them, so far away.

Bertholdt fell to his knees, feeling the stone hit them with bruising force, but he didn't feel the pain. He hated this. He hated it so much. Bertholdt let his cheek sink to the warm surface of the wall, feeling his hands tremble. He wanted to scream. He wanted to break open his throat and somehow pull himself from his body, his prison.

Smoke, rubble, blood, bruised. Bertholdt panted against the ground as dust stung his eyes and he watched the wall crumble, once again, behind his eyes.

"Bertholdt."

He opened his eyes, turning on his side and seeing his friend's face. Reiner's eyes were sullen, like he hadn't slept well, and he had a deep frown.

"Its time."

Bertholdt nodded and sat up, feeling heavier than normal. He pulled off his blanket and swung his legs over the side of the bunk. He paused and Reiner gave him a curious look.

"You good?"

"Yeah," Bertholdt hopped down and rolled his tight shoulders. "Let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who took their time to read this. I loved hearing all your interpretations & reactions :) Even if it was just screams of agony (I felt the same way sometimes..)  
> I decided to make this a series and add one more fic. The first chapter of that will be up soon.


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